it's been a while..

it never came to my mind that we would one day sit down and talk about you, and the girl that took you away from me. apparently you thought of it, cause you said you knew no one else that would understand you the way I do.

we talked as if we there was nothing that happened between us. for the first time in a long time, i was a friend to you and it didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. not that I enjoyed seeing you almost broken, talking about your problems, but it felt nice to be able to help.

i really can't explain how i'm feeling now but all I know is that i'm glad we're friends, and I'm glad that I was the first person you thought about when you needed someone to talk to.

i hope one day things make sense.

that laugh, the one i love..

Today is the 19th of October, another 19 I will not be celebrating, another 19 better left unnoticed.

I was impatiently waiting under my umbrella when I suddenly had this picture of you in my mind. I see that face of yours I can never seem to forget. I see that face when you're cracking up from something you yourself are saying. I remember how genuine that laughter was, how innocent and how happy.

We were once happy, weren't we? Or was I the only one?

I thought of you so much today, maybe even too much that it started to hurt again. I allowed a few tears to roll down my cheek in memory of you. I allowed a little hurt to squeeze my heart and a little time to reminisce.

I still think about you sometimes, and still wish that I could have you back at times.. and maybe I even allow myself to wallow in the why's sometimes.. I miss you dear..

I miss you and how you showed up when I needed you to or wanted you to.. I miss how you say my name as if it were so precious.. I miss how you gently slip your hand in mine.. I miss how you smile, and I miss how you laugh.. I miss how you told me I love you.. and I miss the person I was with you..

it's sad that I can never really tell you anymore.. I miss that laugh, the one I love..

somewhat a blessing somewhat a curse.

Thursday morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm screaming at me. With very little sleep and grogginess still kicking, I walked to my phone to snooze the alarm. It was then that I realized I was alone in the house. The night before, my mom was complaining about her head severely aching and her temperature slowly rising. She said she was going to get a check-up because she couldn't stand the pain anymore, and so she was accompanied by her friend to the hospital. When I have finally awaken and my senses have already come to me, I realized that my mom didn't come home from the hospital. My heart started to beat a little faster and my brain started to work a little more attentively. After a few minutes of thinking my phone rang and it was my mom. "Hello." was how she started the conversation as it slowly progressed to "I have Dengue.". After a few favors she asked and a few instructions she gave, she hung up. I was a little startled, what news to receive so early in the morning, when I was already very worried about the reporting I had on that same day. A few more minutes passed and I got a second call, it was my dad, he was calm but I could hear the panic and concern in his voice. He was asking how I was and if I was doing okay, I answered with a yes unsure if i was. I was still a little startled and I was starting to panic, my voice slowly crack and I could feel tears slowly rolling on my cheeks.

My mom is getting past the Dengue virus well, her fever didn't come back from the last time it did. Her temperature is stable and she is slowly regaining her strength and appetite. Although her platelets are still going down. We are hoping for faster recovery.

My older brother is in Cebu, and I was the only one who took care of Mama yesterday till lunch time today (besides the nurses and doctors and visitors of course). It isn't easy to take care of a patient especially when at a hospital. It gets really boring, then tiring then strenuous then stressful. When I get a little comfortable with my position, my mom would need something again and I'd have to get up..

(to be continued. on the way back to the hospital.)

in between paper works and wooden chairs..

Single. In a Relationship. Married. Widowed. Divorced. In an Open Relationship.

I am proud to say that I am single and I am learning to love the thought of it. I wasn't always single, a few months ago I was also in a relationship that lasted for almost two years. A relationship that made me and broke me and formed me to become the stronger lady that I am now. Whenever I think of the things I had to swallow and the days I had to go through with one eye closed, I give out a sigh of relief that those days are finally over. I am now officially embracing my being single.

Those single men and women out there who have learned to maneuver their way through singlehood would often exclaim how one is better off being single, or how great it is to be single or even how fun it is, and I wouldn't disagree with that but of course there will always be another side to the story.

It is indeed fun being single but it isn't always easy. For those who have been single since birth or at least for a very long period of time (considering his/her last relationship's seriousness), there isn't as much struggle compared to someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship.

It's really different once you've already experienced being in a relationship, when you've actually experienced how it is to be taken cared of and loved and protected. It's different when you've already experienced love as compared to someone who hasn't. Yes you're jealous of your friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends, yes you feel lonely when you look at them in pairs and you're alone, sure you long for someone who'd love you but your longing will never be the same with one who has experienced actually having that longing quenched for a while.

Is single and Is now single are 2 very different states, but once you've learned to embrace and appreciate this status things won't be the same but they won't be too different as well.

Now that I am single, there are a few things that I miss about being in a relationship and here are some of them:

1. Those "good morning, I love you" and "good night, I love you" texts. They start your day and end it right. They make you feel loved and appreciated cause you know that you're the first person that comes to their mind when they wake up in the morning and the last before they go to sleep at night.

2. Those warm hugs when you need them most, and when you don't need them but still want them.

3. Those soft kisses that reminds you of how much he adores you.

4. Those times when you sneak up a smile because of something sweet or protective that he did.

5. Those bad days that turn out to be not so bad after all because you've cried your heart out to him and he just patiently listens and tells you that everything will be alright.

Maybe now that I'm single it's not him that I miss, it's actually missing the feeling of having someone who would want to love you as much as you love him and the feeling of actually being in love. ♥