"You are my joy"

[Edited, Updated and Reposted. Originally posted September 2010]

Unlike other "empowered" women who refuse to be housewives, had I been given a chance, I'd want to be a house wife to see my children grow up to be men and women of great faith.

I've always liked children, babies especially... and I've always dreamt of having my own. One of the things I'm really excited about is having children. I feel great love for my children-to-be, even though they aren't alive yet, I already love them... and I have great plans for them. As much as I know that God has greater and better plans for them, I still want to plan for them, I still want to dream for them... because they are my own and I love them more than I love anyone else, well except of course their father to be...

I want to have 3 beautiful children... I want to have 2 boys and a girl, but of course I leave it up to God to choose my children's (i'll use gender, though the proper term is sex) genders..

I know it's weird that I'm wanting to have children... I don't want them now, but I will definitely want to have them in the future...

I love names with Greek and Spanish origins which is why I chose names that have those origins.

My first born...

Boy:
Sky Alexandre, "Sky"

Meaning: The Protector of Men.

Girl:

Kaethe Alexandra

Meaning: Pure hearted, Defender of Men


My second born
If it turns out to be a boy...

Jacobo Tyler, the one who sacrfices to give.

If it turns out to be a girl...

Helena Blythe Beautiful light, bringer of happiness

My third born
If it turns out to be a boy..

Claud Gabriel, a strong hero for God

If it turns out to be a girl...

Olivia Antoinette, graceful beyond praise.

Oh how beautiful persons you will be... I can't wait to hold you in my arms and see you smile...

Imperfect but Faithful

I suddenly remember Big Mike or Michael as he preferred to be called of the movie, The Blind Side. He may not have had good SAT scores at first but from the results of that test they found that his protective instincts was his best asset.

I have never felt so strong about fighting and standing up for my mom until the recent events happened. When I saw my mom with her guards almost down and her eyes glossy from the tears that started to fill her eyes up, I suddenly felt a stab of pain in my heart. I wanted to cry too but I knew that I needed to be strong for her. The first thing that came to my mind was "I have to protect my mom" If not from those who try to hurt her, but at least from the pain that those people my bring upon her.

So I guess, there is a Big Mike in me..

Though we don't always agree on things and though we don't have the best mother-daughter relationship, I appreciate my mom more than anything in this world. She never gave up on us, her family, even when it meant she had to lose herself. She always tried to keep us together even when it felt more painful. She got me through high school and college having provided all my basic needs. She never stopped working for us. She never stopped trying. She never stopped loving.

I nor my mom may never be perfect in our faith and in our walk with God but we always make it a point that we remain faithful. We may not be the best examples of who Christians should be but we are always aware of how Christians should act. We may not always be right in our ways but we are always repentant and are willing to be corrected.

I will never allow anyone to hurt my mom with actions or with words. I will not tolerate judgement from anyone because they aren't with her everyday. I will not be silent when anyone calls her names. But know that I will not be a hypocrite and call them the same names. Rather, I will pray for them and speak blessings towards them. I am not against the antagonist but I am for the protagonist.

And even though I haven't been the best daughter, in this trial I will try to be at my best for my mom.

And in our imperfections are we made faithful.

Double Edged vs. Double Standards

Wikepedia, the free encyclopedia, gave me a pretty interesting definition of what a double standard means..

"A double standard is the unjust application of different sets of principles in similar situations."

When was the last time you compromised your faith to be able to enjoy something that you know isn't for you?

"It depends" isn't always the right answer to a question.. And it definitely isn't always up to the situation itself to deem itself right or wrong.. When was the last time you said something is right or wrong because you know it is and not because you think it was what the situation called for? "It depends" is a sign of double standards.

So.. Are you a double standard Christian? Have you been justifying your actions just because you think you are ahead of others in your race? Have you been compromising your faith or your values for the fear of being rejected? Or to actually fit in? Have you been unfaithful to your service for God and your Christian walk, living everyday with your fire unlit or burnt out but have not considered yourself a backslidder just because you arent "indulging in the ways of the world"?

You frown upon people who don't go to church.. But when you yourself skip church because you have something important waiting to be accomplished, you think your absence for church is justifiable..

Why have [some] Christians become a double standards Christian?

What makes you think that your sins are justifiable? What makes you think that your actions are okay while for the others it is not?

When was the last the you were a doubled-edged sword kind of Christian? When was the last time you cut through situations? When was the last time you made an impact and someone else's life so deep that it changed his life?

To be continued...

"[Words] live on, even when we're gone.."

"Sorry for being a jerk.."

"Sorry for taking advantage of you..."

"I will respect you.. and protect you.."

"Sorry for not being a man.."

"I'm sorry for the things I did that may have caused you pain.."
"I'm sorry for taking advantage of your weaknesses.."

"I will treat you like a princess because you deserve to be treated like one.."

"Sorry for not fighting for you.. But know na ipaglalaban na kita.. Kahit patayan pa.."

"Wag ka na umiyak.. Kung may panyo lang ako, ipapahiram ko sayo.."

These were some of the words my brothers in church told me today.. And for once in my life, I actually believed these apologies from guys.. Not that I don't believe in men anymore.. It's just that it's either they apologize for all the wrong reasons.. or they don't apologize at all..

And today, it was actually really heart-warming to hear these guys, who don't even have the slightest reasons to apologize to me, apologize in behalf of the men that have hurt me in the past.. Setting their pride aside for a few moments.. coming up with the right words and actually being sincere and genuine.. That actually takes a lot of guts.. *salute to the men in the making*

Iba pala talaga pag narinig mo mismo galing sa bibig ng isang tao ang mga salitang "Sorry" at "Please forgive me".

I've already forgiven these men even though not all of them asked for it.. But hearing those words actually made the forgiveness feel more real.. Right then and there, I saw their faces and heard them say the exact same words.. And that was more than I could wish for.. I may not get the apologies I want from the people I want to hear them from but I am now contented.. If they come, they'll come.. If they don't then they won't..

Thank you Father that nothing is an accident.. and that there really are reasons as to why things happen.. I know that you brought me to where I was a while ago because you wanted me to experience the freedom that came along with the forgiveness I released.. Thank you that you make things fall into place at the right times..

I wish you were there..

Love,
Starfire