I hope it's not too late.

Most often than not, we take for granted the things that we have and give them value and attention only when we start losing them. It's a sad reality but it's not like anyone does anything about it. So today, I went thru my blogs again and most certainly, I got nostalgic, sentimental and sad again. Looking through all of the posts made me realize that maybe s/he really meant it when s/he said that s/he didn't feel appreciated by me. So here goes my apology and appreciation.

First of all, I want to say sorry for all the pain I've caused you and the people who love you. I have accepted through time that I am a tough one and that everything we went thru was most certainly tough on you too. I'm sorry for being selfish and for not trying to understand beyond what I can see and feel and hear. I know you had reasons as to why you did the things you had to do but I guess it was never really clear to me, and that was what hurt me. I'm sorry for our failed attempts to reconciliation and for my temper and tears that always got in the way of our almost-but-not-quite-there-yet ones.

I'm sorry if I asked you of too much, if I asked you for what was already beyond what you could give. I'm sorry if I did not support you enough with the things you wanted to do or the dreams you wanted to fulfill. I'm sorry that I was too stubborn to see that you were happy with who you were and that you were already getting fed up of other people trying to tell you how to live your life or what kind of person you should be. I'm sorry if I failed to be the best friend I promised I would be.

If its worth anything, I want to let you know that I really did remain loyal and faithful to us and our friendship. I loved you in ways I didn't know I was even capable of. Thank you that up until the end, you were a stubborn as I was. I guess if it wasn't for that, things would be more complicated now more than it ever was. Thank you.

I know I'm a beyotch at times and that I'm difficult and impossible, but thanks for staying despite all of that. Thanks for still being here, up until now. You are awesome. And I hope you know that I love you, I still do and I'm ready to be that best friend I promised to be, for you :)

Goodnight, loved one.

Random Tugs

A few years back, I was assisted to realize that I in fact had a gift of prophecy. Please, don't construe it as I being able to foretell or foresee the future or anything like that. I am not one with a gift of fortune-telling but of prophecy, the biblical kind. If anything, the gift comes with the ability to speak for truth in situations and the ability to receive messages of warning, rebuke, news and whatnots from the Father. I haven't really mastered the gift as I have admittedly not have been practicing lately, but I for one know that it's there.

I first experienced using this gift unintentionally, in church, at a farewell party of a person whom I didn't know so well yet. I forgot why but we started praying for each other. After praying and the usual hugs and stuff, she got my hands and asked if I knew about the gift of prophecy. Honestly, I didn't, but she was kind enough to explain it to me anyway. Well, being a girl of not-so-tender-yet-tender age, she explained it in the simplest way by saying something like "It's a gift of being able to know the right things to say to the people going through things without you really knowing the whole picture.. And these things you say are God-given." I never forgot that moment ever since.

And so lately, I think the gift tugged on me again, in a different way. It was a normal day, I remember I was walking from somewhere to somewhere when suddenly, this person was placed in my heart. I remembered her and I felt a strong kind of longing towards her. I contacted a few people to collect her number but to no avail. One of those whom I contacted revealed something about the person I remembered, something she was going through, and right then and there, I connected the dots and knew that that was why I suddenly remembered her. And I'm glad I did.

I miss her and how we used to be good company to each other. Now more than anything, I pray for the wisdom to know the proper way to approach her and the proper if not the wisest things to say.

I miss you Tita, C.

What Private Life?

One of the things I disliked most about being a worship leader before was the feeling of being watched. It's as if someone was always watching me, waiting and anticipating for me to do something wrong, commit a mistake, so that there would be something to talk about. I hated how extra attention was placed over me, although of course I understood why that was so more and more by the year. The thing about being a worship leader is, there really isn't any great divide between your personal life and your public life. This is because people expect you to be a worship leader 24/7 and that all your acts may, can and will affect someone, one way or the other.

I remember dreading days when I would be called to the Pastor's office for uttering a 'bad' word, double the danger if I posted it online. If not for that, I'd be called in because I was supposedly seen "out partying" holding something I shouldn't be holding. Sometimes, I wondered how they knew these things and it made me think that they were there doing the same thing, only before they get caught, they tell on me so they won't be caught red handed.

Thing is, I understand that when you're a leader and a servant, people look up to you, people see you as an authority of some sorts.. What I don't understand is why people need to pry into everything.. And what's worse is when they start twisting things up like licorice.

Anyway. I thought that now that I'm on leave for an indefinite while, that I can finally be freed from the watchful eye of the public. Apparently, not so. While reading canons of the code of professional responsibility of lawyers, my heart dropped when I saw that there won't be any distinction between a lawyer's private life and the public one, not anytime soon. Great. Just great. Soooo. How do I know which role I'm playing then?

I guess that's one of the peeves. When you're going into something big like leading or lawyering, expect that no private life is going to happen. No questionable photo would be left unscrutinized, no rebellious article will be left unnoticed and no relationship will escape the talk of the town. I guess I have to make the most out of what's left of that life now,, because after I take the bar, all I'll have left of it will be pieces of memory.

Something Personal

Everyday, I try to look for something within my life to be grateful for because they say, the happiest people are those who know that they have much to be thankful for. Most of the time, even if I find that the blessings are small and simple, I learn to appreciate that in life most if not all are relative. If we would learn how to appreciate the simple things, they won't be as simple as we initially thought. 

And so today, I found another thing to be grateful about, my family set-up. 

Even if we aren't perfect and most of the time very dysfunctional, I am thankful that despite my parents' separation-in-fact, we have all learned the ways to make this weird set-up of ours work. I am thankful that despite my parents' falling out, that falling out hasn't gotten in the way our relationships with one other. Also, I am glad that my parents are civil enough to at least behave properly when we're all around each other and that they don't create an even more awkward atmosphere than it already is. Also, I'm glad that none of them raised us having any sort of ill-feelings towards the opposing parent; my mom was nice enough to keep her mouth zipped despite my dad's shortcomings as to not taint mine and my brother's image of him and that my dad was nice enough to still be a dad to us.

If we just choose to see things in a better perspective, we'd realize that we have so much in our lives to be thankful for and that it doesn't need to take a Benz or an Audi to make us feel blessed in life. 

2012 Christmas Wishlist

Just because it has been a tradition for me to post up my Christmas Wishlist :)

So here goes!

1. A new set of acrylic paint and some brushes to go with them. Brands don't matter.

2. My own (printed) copy of Harper Lee's "To kill a mockingbird" and John Green's "A fault in our stars".

3. Other new books. Preferably nothing about vampires, or illicit affairs, or cheesy teenager escapades (sorry).

4. A leather backpack. Or one with a pretty Aztec print design.

5. A new watch. (Specifically that one in Aldo with interchangeable straps but of course not limited to that)

6. A bottle of "The Beach House".

7. A 2013 Daily Planner

These are only what I can think of now. I'll constantly update this list whenever I think of something new.

Happy Christmas! <3 br="br">

I am not lazy, I am bored

Recently, I put some thought on things such as my habits and the way I do things. And I've come to realize that I am not real;y lazy, I'm actually bored.

I am currently under a health program which requires me to do and not do quite a number of things. I have to do this, I can't do that, yadah yadah. One of the things I should do is to take 40-minute walks as often as I can until becomes a part of my daily routine. On normal days, even if I really do like to lose weight, I'd have tendencies of thinking "I'll skip today and do extra tomorrow" and skip everything altogether. But today, I realized that I'm not actually lazy because even if I knew that I had a lot of things to do and that I'd prefer to lie on the couch and get some eye-shut for a few, I didn't. Even if it was raining outside, I wore my gear plus a hat, plugged in my earphones, set the timer and walked/ran. Another negative thing about me, which I've previously written a blog about too, is that I'm really impatient to the point that sometimes, it's irrational. Going back, since I am impatient, 40mins seem so long, which increases the tendency of me looking at the timer ever so often. Nevertheless, I still finish the 40mins. And with that, I conclude that contrary to what my mom and I think, I'm actually not lazy. I'm just really bored.

When I do the same things for a long period already, I get bored and eventually, I'd dislike doing it and do anything and everything if I may say, to put off that thing I dislike doing. Sometimes, I don't feel like picking up my law books not because I'm too lazy read but because I have become uninterested. Over the break, I finished a book in a couple of hours, just to show that I have no problems whatsoever when it comes to reading.

So if anything, I'm more bored and tired than lazy because I know that I'll readily clean out a closet or do a paint job or any order tedious thing except maybe, lift stuff.

Anyway, it's 3:10 in the morning. I should go to bed. Goodnight.  

Frantically thinking about something that makes me more panicky

So, I've recently read a post on one of my FB groups which I really didn't mind until.... Now.

The post informed us that we were going to have a "Ball" of some sorts this coming Christmas. Honestly? I am excited! I haven't gone to a party in a while, the kind where you dress up and put on fancy make up and wear shoes that will make your feet cuss at you by the end of the night.

But suddenly, I thought about balls and the necessity (well, usually) of having dates. And I swear at that very moment, I choked. I frantically panicked! (Yes, redundant I know.) I hope that they don't make us bring dates, like it's the type of balls that you'd go into it dateless and get out of it with one. Is that a soirée? I'm sorry. But maybe, it CAN be that type o ball. But if it isn't, I. Am. Doomed.

I seriously don't want to go with someone who I'm not comfortable with. I don't want the dead airs and the painful awkward silences add up to the possible awkwardness of the night. I don't want to go with someone with whom I've had little conversations with because conversations will get me through the night and the lack thereof will kill me. It will.

I can go with someone I like. But the problem is, there's no one under that classification. Unless, I can grab one from the basketball team. But, really, there is no one.

I've realized just a few moments ago that I have very little guy friends whom I'm close with. And in the limited choice, there are very few who actually tower over me. So please, relieve me from my anxiety. If there's anyway.

Sigh.

Ky.