I Adore You

I adore you. 

Even when I'm not supposed to. Even when saying that made me sound like a masochistic freak of love. I adore you even though I walk on thin ice whenever I'm with you. It's like, I'm always trying to carry my own weight so that the ice underneath me would not crack because certainly falling into you would hurt. Like the waters beneath the ice, you are cold and you drown me with that cold. Too much of you would lead to a frostbite. 

I adore you even when I should actually feel whatever's opposite of that word. I mean, jeez, you're there and then you're not and then when you've decided to come back again, you're even colds than last time. I didn't know there was such a thing as ice getting colder. 

I adore you even when I should actually be walking the other way. How do you detach yourself from something youve come to adore so much? 

Please. Leave me. Because I don't think I ever can. 

I want someone.

For a change, I want someone who loves me more than I love him. I want someone who knows that I'm not the prettiest girl nor am I anywhere near perfect, but would still not look the other way. I want someone who can live without me but of course would choose not to. I want someone who will always try to understand and will ask when he doesn't just so things are crystal clear. I want someone who's open-minded and is not afraid to venture into new things. I want someone who knows when enough is enough.

I want someone who has dreams, plans, no matter indefinite, and ambition. I want someone who is driven and passionate. I want someone who knows that work stays at the office and home time is us time. I want someone who knows that he is both my best friend and my boyfriend and will not take advantage of any knowledge he has to gain more in any of the relationships.

I want someone who loves God enough to know what love is and what it is not. I want someone who will never turn away from his faith for anything, because I never will.

I want someone who will always be willing to talk. Someone who will always want to sort things out and will not choose to sleep until things are better. I want someone who is equally good at listening, someone who I'd have meaningful and shallow conversations with. I want someone who has substance.

I want someone who can ride along with the things I want and would allow me to experience the things he wants as well. I want someone who will not be afraid to hurt me with the truth because he knows that that's better than making me feel good with a lie. I want someone who will leave me when he's unhappy instead of cheating behind my back. I won't stop you if you've already made up your mind and are totally sure it's what you want.

I want someone who loves his family enough to know that he shouldn't turn his back from them for anything. But even if this is the case, he wouldn't allow them to control him or meddle with us because if I wanted someone who was like that, I should have just been with a puppet. I want someone who has values and as much as possible wouldn't compromise them or bend them.

I know these are too much to ask but I know that it's only fair that I ask of these things because I will be everything I have said and more. I too will meet him halfway and will try to be the person he'd want so long as it is the same person I want to be for him as well. It's only right that we have standards because if fortunate enough, this will be the person we will be spending the rest of our lives with.

Another Open Letter

To the person who recently hurt me.

Hello there dear. I just wanted you to know that you hurt my feelings. You made my worry for days. I did not hear from you and I thought that there was something wrong. I didn't know if it was something I did or something I said. You left me hanging. If you must know, you made me cry. You made me cry because I thought I lost you already. That I lost you to a wrong thing I did or said. And actually, I was already trying to cope. I was holding up bad but at least I was holding up.

And then today, you decide to communicate with me again. You apologize for not texting because you felt dismayed for not winning the championship. Here's the thing, that's an apology for not texting. How about an apology for actually hurting my feelings? For making look foolish, texting you all those apologies, desperately wanting to know what went wrong, what I did so grave that made you want to leave. I felt so helpless, so desperate, so pathetic.

And now you're doing it again, you're making me wait on you and honestly? I'm starting to not want to. I'm at that point that I'm too hurt to even care if tonight you'd decide to be a part of my day. It's like I'm always guessing with you and the uncertainty is killing me and I don't know how much more I can handle.

I can't do this anymore. You can't be a dormer or a bed spacer in my life. You can't just come home whenever you want to because things don't work that way with people's hearts, you know? You're hurting me and it's like you don't even care. I don't deserve this.

So please, take me as I am or take nothing at all. If you're only going halfway, then it's not worth the fall. Decide if you're in this with me, if not just let me be, cause I don't half of your heart, filled with uncertainty.

Hello Good Day

Well, I'm tired. It's the 19th day of the new year and I'm so tired. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of people creating drama. I'm tired of people pulling me in their self-created pool of drama. I'm tired of feeling dramatic.

Hey, I'm tired of feeling so guilty for making people mad at stuff I don't think I directly caused. I'm tired of staying up at night thinking that people are mad, at me, for stuff.

I'm tired of people hiding stuff from me, stuff that I know I'll be mad about.

Grateful and Expectant

2012 was one of the most challenging years I had to face, if not the toughest. In 2012, I lost so much of myself that I didn't know whether I was still me or if I was already living a life which someone else wanted me to live. I spent days and nights crying my eyes out trying to convince myself to say though my hand was already on the door. There were so many heartbreaking events which did not only break my heart but crushed my being as well. I was having so many crises and breakdowns they've become past times and parts of the routines.

Although of course, it wasn't all bad. In 2012, I graduated, even if it wasn't with flying colors, what mattered to me was that I graduated on time when I thought I wouldn't. Also, in the same year, I got accepted in DLSU's college of Law. That was one of my biggest achievements this year. Friendships were rebuilt in 2012 too, not that they were broken or anything, just set aside. I am more than thankful that I was able to patch it up with the people I cared most about in college. In line with those good stuff are being able to survive two horrific terms in law school. It wasn't easy, I'm not sure if it's actually worth it, but I did get through it. And lastly, I was able to start a lifestyle, a lifestyle of healthier choices and more activity.

It was also a year of ticking of things from the bucket list. And memorable first. :)

In 2013, I'm expecting greater adventures and better management of emotions and time. I expect better and wider choices and better made judgements. I expect new experiences and learning that go with them. I hope to make the most out of this year. To get out more. To meet more people. To see more places and to fall in deep love with my First Love and with the things I do. :)

I will own this year!