I Adore You

I adore you. 

Even when I'm not supposed to. Even when saying that made me sound like a masochistic freak of love. I adore you even though I walk on thin ice whenever I'm with you. It's like, I'm always trying to carry my own weight so that the ice underneath me would not crack because certainly falling into you would hurt. Like the waters beneath the ice, you are cold and you drown me with that cold. Too much of you would lead to a frostbite. 

I adore you even when I should actually feel whatever's opposite of that word. I mean, jeez, you're there and then you're not and then when you've decided to come back again, you're even colds than last time. I didn't know there was such a thing as ice getting colder. 

I adore you even when I should actually be walking the other way. How do you detach yourself from something youve come to adore so much? 

Please. Leave me. Because I don't think I ever can. 

I want someone.

For a change, I want someone who loves me more than I love him. I want someone who knows that I'm not the prettiest girl nor am I anywhere near perfect, but would still not look the other way. I want someone who can live without me but of course would choose not to. I want someone who will always try to understand and will ask when he doesn't just so things are crystal clear. I want someone who's open-minded and is not afraid to venture into new things. I want someone who knows when enough is enough.

I want someone who has dreams, plans, no matter indefinite, and ambition. I want someone who is driven and passionate. I want someone who knows that work stays at the office and home time is us time. I want someone who knows that he is both my best friend and my boyfriend and will not take advantage of any knowledge he has to gain more in any of the relationships.

I want someone who loves God enough to know what love is and what it is not. I want someone who will never turn away from his faith for anything, because I never will.

I want someone who will always be willing to talk. Someone who will always want to sort things out and will not choose to sleep until things are better. I want someone who is equally good at listening, someone who I'd have meaningful and shallow conversations with. I want someone who has substance.

I want someone who can ride along with the things I want and would allow me to experience the things he wants as well. I want someone who will not be afraid to hurt me with the truth because he knows that that's better than making me feel good with a lie. I want someone who will leave me when he's unhappy instead of cheating behind my back. I won't stop you if you've already made up your mind and are totally sure it's what you want.

I want someone who loves his family enough to know that he shouldn't turn his back from them for anything. But even if this is the case, he wouldn't allow them to control him or meddle with us because if I wanted someone who was like that, I should have just been with a puppet. I want someone who has values and as much as possible wouldn't compromise them or bend them.

I know these are too much to ask but I know that it's only fair that I ask of these things because I will be everything I have said and more. I too will meet him halfway and will try to be the person he'd want so long as it is the same person I want to be for him as well. It's only right that we have standards because if fortunate enough, this will be the person we will be spending the rest of our lives with.

Another Open Letter

To the person who recently hurt me.

Hello there dear. I just wanted you to know that you hurt my feelings. You made my worry for days. I did not hear from you and I thought that there was something wrong. I didn't know if it was something I did or something I said. You left me hanging. If you must know, you made me cry. You made me cry because I thought I lost you already. That I lost you to a wrong thing I did or said. And actually, I was already trying to cope. I was holding up bad but at least I was holding up.

And then today, you decide to communicate with me again. You apologize for not texting because you felt dismayed for not winning the championship. Here's the thing, that's an apology for not texting. How about an apology for actually hurting my feelings? For making look foolish, texting you all those apologies, desperately wanting to know what went wrong, what I did so grave that made you want to leave. I felt so helpless, so desperate, so pathetic.

And now you're doing it again, you're making me wait on you and honestly? I'm starting to not want to. I'm at that point that I'm too hurt to even care if tonight you'd decide to be a part of my day. It's like I'm always guessing with you and the uncertainty is killing me and I don't know how much more I can handle.

I can't do this anymore. You can't be a dormer or a bed spacer in my life. You can't just come home whenever you want to because things don't work that way with people's hearts, you know? You're hurting me and it's like you don't even care. I don't deserve this.

So please, take me as I am or take nothing at all. If you're only going halfway, then it's not worth the fall. Decide if you're in this with me, if not just let me be, cause I don't half of your heart, filled with uncertainty.

Hello Good Day

Well, I'm tired. It's the 19th day of the new year and I'm so tired. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of people creating drama. I'm tired of people pulling me in their self-created pool of drama. I'm tired of feeling dramatic.

Hey, I'm tired of feeling so guilty for making people mad at stuff I don't think I directly caused. I'm tired of staying up at night thinking that people are mad, at me, for stuff.

I'm tired of people hiding stuff from me, stuff that I know I'll be mad about.

Grateful and Expectant

2012 was one of the most challenging years I had to face, if not the toughest. In 2012, I lost so much of myself that I didn't know whether I was still me or if I was already living a life which someone else wanted me to live. I spent days and nights crying my eyes out trying to convince myself to say though my hand was already on the door. There were so many heartbreaking events which did not only break my heart but crushed my being as well. I was having so many crises and breakdowns they've become past times and parts of the routines.

Although of course, it wasn't all bad. In 2012, I graduated, even if it wasn't with flying colors, what mattered to me was that I graduated on time when I thought I wouldn't. Also, in the same year, I got accepted in DLSU's college of Law. That was one of my biggest achievements this year. Friendships were rebuilt in 2012 too, not that they were broken or anything, just set aside. I am more than thankful that I was able to patch it up with the people I cared most about in college. In line with those good stuff are being able to survive two horrific terms in law school. It wasn't easy, I'm not sure if it's actually worth it, but I did get through it. And lastly, I was able to start a lifestyle, a lifestyle of healthier choices and more activity.

It was also a year of ticking of things from the bucket list. And memorable first. :)

In 2013, I'm expecting greater adventures and better management of emotions and time. I expect better and wider choices and better made judgements. I expect new experiences and learning that go with them. I hope to make the most out of this year. To get out more. To meet more people. To see more places and to fall in deep love with my First Love and with the things I do. :)

I will own this year!

Tips On Making A New Year's Resolution

Now that it's almost the end of the year, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking of your possible resolutions, if you haven't already made them. If some of you have noticed, it's like we only remember our resolutions during the first few months of the year and by the end of the year, it's either it's under accomplished or not accomplished at all.

And with that, I thought of coming up with some tips in helping you guys create a better New Year's Resolutions so that 2013 may be a more fruitful year for all of us.

1. Make it realistic.
Don't place things like "Live life; Go on a Euro Trip!" when you know you don't have the means to do so because you're still a student or because your salary just won't allow it YET or "Face my fears; Go bungee jumping!" when you're not even sure if there actually is a bungee jumping facility in your place.

Ex. Maintain a healthy lifestyle; Go on a no-pork diet!
This is realistic because there are other alternatives to pork and because most if not all restaurants already offer a wife variety of alternatives to pork.

2. Make it practical.
Always consider your time and budget when deciding on things to do or not do. It's good to have high goals but its also important that the goals are achievable and not impossible. Don't go "Start a new hobby; collect wine!" when you know your allowance won't en get you through your daily cravings or that your monthly salary can barely suffice for your luxuries.

Ex. "Be more responsible; pay bills on time." This would be a good way to discipline yourself as well.

3. Make it specific.
Don't just use generic and general statements like "Lose weight." Or "See more places." Put values, and names and limits and not just motherhood statements.

Ex. Lose 2kls a month! There's a specific goal, realistic and practical too! Or say, Surf the waves of Baler. That's specific one too cause you know what if is you want to do and where you want to do it.

4. Have a target.
You should know which of your goals are long term or short term ones. Set a timeline, deadlines for your goals if you may, so that you would be more motivated to do them.

Ex. Increase my stamina; be able to join a 16k run by June. That's specific, time bound, practical and realistic.. Only if you are already running. But if you haven't even joined a 3k, don't even think about it. You'll just I hire yourself.

5. Make it fun!
Don't just put things you need to improve on in school or at work or with how you deal with things. You should be creative with your resolutions too because you're actually creating them to make a better year out of the coming one.

Ex. Meet more people; attend social gatherings at least twice a month! Especially for those single people who want to meet someone already, you can't just wait on him and sit on the couch, you have to go out there too and discover what it is that catches your eye. As the saying goes, work hard and play hard.

I hope those tips helped! :) if you want to, you can share your resolutions with me and the rest of blogger by commenting on this blog or sending me an email through kelsey_mendoza@yahoo.com! :)

Goodluck!

I hope it's not too late.

Most often than not, we take for granted the things that we have and give them value and attention only when we start losing them. It's a sad reality but it's not like anyone does anything about it. So today, I went thru my blogs again and most certainly, I got nostalgic, sentimental and sad again. Looking through all of the posts made me realize that maybe s/he really meant it when s/he said that s/he didn't feel appreciated by me. So here goes my apology and appreciation.

First of all, I want to say sorry for all the pain I've caused you and the people who love you. I have accepted through time that I am a tough one and that everything we went thru was most certainly tough on you too. I'm sorry for being selfish and for not trying to understand beyond what I can see and feel and hear. I know you had reasons as to why you did the things you had to do but I guess it was never really clear to me, and that was what hurt me. I'm sorry for our failed attempts to reconciliation and for my temper and tears that always got in the way of our almost-but-not-quite-there-yet ones.

I'm sorry if I asked you of too much, if I asked you for what was already beyond what you could give. I'm sorry if I did not support you enough with the things you wanted to do or the dreams you wanted to fulfill. I'm sorry that I was too stubborn to see that you were happy with who you were and that you were already getting fed up of other people trying to tell you how to live your life or what kind of person you should be. I'm sorry if I failed to be the best friend I promised I would be.

If its worth anything, I want to let you know that I really did remain loyal and faithful to us and our friendship. I loved you in ways I didn't know I was even capable of. Thank you that up until the end, you were a stubborn as I was. I guess if it wasn't for that, things would be more complicated now more than it ever was. Thank you.

I know I'm a beyotch at times and that I'm difficult and impossible, but thanks for staying despite all of that. Thanks for still being here, up until now. You are awesome. And I hope you know that I love you, I still do and I'm ready to be that best friend I promised to be, for you :)

Goodnight, loved one.

Random Tugs

A few years back, I was assisted to realize that I in fact had a gift of prophecy. Please, don't construe it as I being able to foretell or foresee the future or anything like that. I am not one with a gift of fortune-telling but of prophecy, the biblical kind. If anything, the gift comes with the ability to speak for truth in situations and the ability to receive messages of warning, rebuke, news and whatnots from the Father. I haven't really mastered the gift as I have admittedly not have been practicing lately, but I for one know that it's there.

I first experienced using this gift unintentionally, in church, at a farewell party of a person whom I didn't know so well yet. I forgot why but we started praying for each other. After praying and the usual hugs and stuff, she got my hands and asked if I knew about the gift of prophecy. Honestly, I didn't, but she was kind enough to explain it to me anyway. Well, being a girl of not-so-tender-yet-tender age, she explained it in the simplest way by saying something like "It's a gift of being able to know the right things to say to the people going through things without you really knowing the whole picture.. And these things you say are God-given." I never forgot that moment ever since.

And so lately, I think the gift tugged on me again, in a different way. It was a normal day, I remember I was walking from somewhere to somewhere when suddenly, this person was placed in my heart. I remembered her and I felt a strong kind of longing towards her. I contacted a few people to collect her number but to no avail. One of those whom I contacted revealed something about the person I remembered, something she was going through, and right then and there, I connected the dots and knew that that was why I suddenly remembered her. And I'm glad I did.

I miss her and how we used to be good company to each other. Now more than anything, I pray for the wisdom to know the proper way to approach her and the proper if not the wisest things to say.

I miss you Tita, C.

What Private Life?

One of the things I disliked most about being a worship leader before was the feeling of being watched. It's as if someone was always watching me, waiting and anticipating for me to do something wrong, commit a mistake, so that there would be something to talk about. I hated how extra attention was placed over me, although of course I understood why that was so more and more by the year. The thing about being a worship leader is, there really isn't any great divide between your personal life and your public life. This is because people expect you to be a worship leader 24/7 and that all your acts may, can and will affect someone, one way or the other.

I remember dreading days when I would be called to the Pastor's office for uttering a 'bad' word, double the danger if I posted it online. If not for that, I'd be called in because I was supposedly seen "out partying" holding something I shouldn't be holding. Sometimes, I wondered how they knew these things and it made me think that they were there doing the same thing, only before they get caught, they tell on me so they won't be caught red handed.

Thing is, I understand that when you're a leader and a servant, people look up to you, people see you as an authority of some sorts.. What I don't understand is why people need to pry into everything.. And what's worse is when they start twisting things up like licorice.

Anyway. I thought that now that I'm on leave for an indefinite while, that I can finally be freed from the watchful eye of the public. Apparently, not so. While reading canons of the code of professional responsibility of lawyers, my heart dropped when I saw that there won't be any distinction between a lawyer's private life and the public one, not anytime soon. Great. Just great. Soooo. How do I know which role I'm playing then?

I guess that's one of the peeves. When you're going into something big like leading or lawyering, expect that no private life is going to happen. No questionable photo would be left unscrutinized, no rebellious article will be left unnoticed and no relationship will escape the talk of the town. I guess I have to make the most out of what's left of that life now,, because after I take the bar, all I'll have left of it will be pieces of memory.

Something Personal

Everyday, I try to look for something within my life to be grateful for because they say, the happiest people are those who know that they have much to be thankful for. Most of the time, even if I find that the blessings are small and simple, I learn to appreciate that in life most if not all are relative. If we would learn how to appreciate the simple things, they won't be as simple as we initially thought. 

And so today, I found another thing to be grateful about, my family set-up. 

Even if we aren't perfect and most of the time very dysfunctional, I am thankful that despite my parents' separation-in-fact, we have all learned the ways to make this weird set-up of ours work. I am thankful that despite my parents' falling out, that falling out hasn't gotten in the way our relationships with one other. Also, I am glad that my parents are civil enough to at least behave properly when we're all around each other and that they don't create an even more awkward atmosphere than it already is. Also, I'm glad that none of them raised us having any sort of ill-feelings towards the opposing parent; my mom was nice enough to keep her mouth zipped despite my dad's shortcomings as to not taint mine and my brother's image of him and that my dad was nice enough to still be a dad to us.

If we just choose to see things in a better perspective, we'd realize that we have so much in our lives to be thankful for and that it doesn't need to take a Benz or an Audi to make us feel blessed in life. 

2012 Christmas Wishlist

Just because it has been a tradition for me to post up my Christmas Wishlist :)

So here goes!

1. A new set of acrylic paint and some brushes to go with them. Brands don't matter.

2. My own (printed) copy of Harper Lee's "To kill a mockingbird" and John Green's "A fault in our stars".

3. Other new books. Preferably nothing about vampires, or illicit affairs, or cheesy teenager escapades (sorry).

4. A leather backpack. Or one with a pretty Aztec print design.

5. A new watch. (Specifically that one in Aldo with interchangeable straps but of course not limited to that)

6. A bottle of "The Beach House".

7. A 2013 Daily Planner

These are only what I can think of now. I'll constantly update this list whenever I think of something new.

Happy Christmas! <3 br="br">

I am not lazy, I am bored

Recently, I put some thought on things such as my habits and the way I do things. And I've come to realize that I am not real;y lazy, I'm actually bored.

I am currently under a health program which requires me to do and not do quite a number of things. I have to do this, I can't do that, yadah yadah. One of the things I should do is to take 40-minute walks as often as I can until becomes a part of my daily routine. On normal days, even if I really do like to lose weight, I'd have tendencies of thinking "I'll skip today and do extra tomorrow" and skip everything altogether. But today, I realized that I'm not actually lazy because even if I knew that I had a lot of things to do and that I'd prefer to lie on the couch and get some eye-shut for a few, I didn't. Even if it was raining outside, I wore my gear plus a hat, plugged in my earphones, set the timer and walked/ran. Another negative thing about me, which I've previously written a blog about too, is that I'm really impatient to the point that sometimes, it's irrational. Going back, since I am impatient, 40mins seem so long, which increases the tendency of me looking at the timer ever so often. Nevertheless, I still finish the 40mins. And with that, I conclude that contrary to what my mom and I think, I'm actually not lazy. I'm just really bored.

When I do the same things for a long period already, I get bored and eventually, I'd dislike doing it and do anything and everything if I may say, to put off that thing I dislike doing. Sometimes, I don't feel like picking up my law books not because I'm too lazy read but because I have become uninterested. Over the break, I finished a book in a couple of hours, just to show that I have no problems whatsoever when it comes to reading.

So if anything, I'm more bored and tired than lazy because I know that I'll readily clean out a closet or do a paint job or any order tedious thing except maybe, lift stuff.

Anyway, it's 3:10 in the morning. I should go to bed. Goodnight.  

Frantically thinking about something that makes me more panicky

So, I've recently read a post on one of my FB groups which I really didn't mind until.... Now.

The post informed us that we were going to have a "Ball" of some sorts this coming Christmas. Honestly? I am excited! I haven't gone to a party in a while, the kind where you dress up and put on fancy make up and wear shoes that will make your feet cuss at you by the end of the night.

But suddenly, I thought about balls and the necessity (well, usually) of having dates. And I swear at that very moment, I choked. I frantically panicked! (Yes, redundant I know.) I hope that they don't make us bring dates, like it's the type of balls that you'd go into it dateless and get out of it with one. Is that a soirée? I'm sorry. But maybe, it CAN be that type o ball. But if it isn't, I. Am. Doomed.

I seriously don't want to go with someone who I'm not comfortable with. I don't want the dead airs and the painful awkward silences add up to the possible awkwardness of the night. I don't want to go with someone with whom I've had little conversations with because conversations will get me through the night and the lack thereof will kill me. It will.

I can go with someone I like. But the problem is, there's no one under that classification. Unless, I can grab one from the basketball team. But, really, there is no one.

I've realized just a few moments ago that I have very little guy friends whom I'm close with. And in the limited choice, there are very few who actually tower over me. So please, relieve me from my anxiety. If there's anyway.

Sigh.

Ky.

8 Things That Wouldn't Hurt

We're only young a few years and old for the rest of our lives, why not live wisely if not "like we're dying"?

1. It wouldn't hurt if you loosened up every once in a while.
Instead of going for a black blazer, why not use instead a pastel colored cardigan? Place your feet on the coffee table while you read your favorite book, coffee tables are low and small for a reason. Play old school hits like "Play that funky music" or "Ice Ice baby" or "Stay the light" and actually dance to them! Watch cartoons or the the food channel or whatever channel to your liking. Unless there's a raging storm or an incoming hurricane or a war, you don't have to watch the news 24/7. Your brain needs a break too!

2. It wouldn't hurt if you spend some of your money to pamper yourself. Take note: SOME.
Instead of the usual retail therapy, why not get a home service for a massage or a mani-pedi? Get a slice of your favorite cake. Skip that espresso or brewed coffee and go for that caramel macchiato. Go online and look up the recipe of your favorite dish. Actually go to the grocery store, get your ingredients and cook or prepare yourself a good and hearty meal. With a little extra cheese, or mushrooms, or that Caesar or Ranch dressing. After the long week, you deserve a treat.

3. It wouldn't hurt if you spent at least 30mins. of your day on exercise.
If you don't have time to go the gym, or if it's out of the budget, why not walk around your village for 30mins? Invest on 2-4lbs dumbbells. Download that Nike Training program on your iPod and do the workouts at least twice a week. Take the stairs to the 3rd floor. Skip the tricycle ride and walk to your house. Play out loud your greatest house mix playlist and dance to them. There are a lot of ways to use up those stored energy, we can always be creative and resourceful.

4. It wouldn't hurt if you helped other people.
Helping doesn't always have to involve money. Help can be in the form of time and effort. Help your little brother with his assignment. Help your mom with her garden, or with doing the groceries. Listen to your friend's recent existential dilemma. Volunteer for the relief operations, or to the tutorial of kids, or even in the cleaning and repairing of your church. Spend a day with an orphan and make her happy, that's help too! But if you can shell out finances, help send a kid to school or support missions or purchase milk and diapers for the orphanage. Conduct a feeding or bathing program. Share God's word! That's also a way to help others :)

5. It wouldn't hurt if you be nice to people. Even when you don't feel like it.
Say thank you to the officer who help you cross the street or the crew that help you carry your food tray. Thank your secretary for staying even if you're a ferocious monster half of the time. Smile at babies. Say please when you ask for a favor. Ask how the security guards' day were, before you exit your building. Tell your parents you love them for no reason at all. Buy Sampaguitas from street children. Remember to give food and not alms to the poor. We all deserve some degree kindness :)

6. It wouldn't hurt if you be still even for just a while.
Meditate. Switch off your electronic gadgets and just lie still on your bed. Think of everything and then nothing. Notice your breathing, look out the window, listen to the clock. Appreciate silence and the pleasure of doing nothing. Stop worrying, designate a time to worry. Drop work for 5 minutes, stretch out your arms and legs and just breathe. Close your eyes, rest them a while and then open them again. Just. Be. Still.

7. It wouldn't hurt if you be honest with how we feel.
If we're having a bad day, we can say so. If we enjoyed the meal we had, we can share it. If we're unhappy with an output given to us, we can give constructive feedback instead of redoing and editing it without his consent or knowledge. We can say we feel sick and take the afternoon off if we really can't function anymore. We can tell our partners what we want and what we don't need. Honesty liberates us in ways we only belittle. You'd be surprised as to how much relief honesty can and will bring.

8. It wouldn't hurt if you prayed. more.
It is only right that we give back to God. We can thank him for that birthday card that was thoughtfully sent by your friend or the approval from our boss that we worked hard for, or the time we spent with our family last weekend. We can pray for our heart's desires and our struggles and our pains. We can never make it on our own that's why it's always nice to know that there's a very busy father up there who still prioritized us enough to listen to our rants and whims, no matter how petty. :)

10 Traits I Hope My [Future] Boyfriend Would Have

1. Faithful.
By faithful here I mean, having a lot of Faith, not just in life or in me, but ultimately in God. I need Him to have a personal relationship with God. I need him to see the importance of worshipping and going to church. I need him to love God more than he loves me. I don't need a religious man, I need one who is Faithful.

2. Loyal.
Of course, I need him to be loyal too. I need him to be loyal to me, to our commitment, to our plans and to his words. I need him to understand that he made a choice to be with only one, and that he would stick with thy choice even through bad days.

3. Family-Oriented.
Because I grew up valuing family and my relationships with each one of them, I'd like him to be the same. I need him to value his family, his parents above anyone and then his siblings. In the same way, I need him to give importance to our own family a well; that we should always be a part of the decisions he makes, his children most especially.

4. Goal-Oriented.
Behind every man's success, were goals he wanted to fulfill. I need him to be goal-oriented because I cannot and will not live in uncertainty. I don't need to have everything all figured out all at once but I need to know that he at least wants to achieve something. He has to have dreams and visions, for himself and for us. He has to know what he wants an why he wants then and gets them done.

5. Persevere
I don't need you to be wildly intelligent but I need you to persevere enough to learn what you don't know or to understand what you cannot. I don't need you to be filthy reach but I need to know that you are as willing as I am to work our asses off to be able to lead a comfortable life. I don't need a quitter or weak spirit. I need a fighter.

6. Honest.
I need a man who speaks his mind. One who says when he's hungry or the food I cooked wasn't great or that I look fat in my dress or that he's tired and just wants to sleep. I hate sugar coating to prevent hurting feelings. Please no that just aggravates it.

7. Practical.
If we do end up being well-off, I hope to God that he's practical. I hope that he doesn't spend 40,000 bucks on a pair a shoes that looks like the 3,000-buck we earlier saw. Even if we have a lot to spend, I hope that he chooses to spend practically and wisely.

8. Empathetic and/or Sympathetic.
I hate it when people are indifferent or apathetic or isn't opinionated. We were all entitled to a brain and a heart that chooses we stand for. If the guy had no interest at all in helping street kids, or badly beaten up women or trafficked children or the development of this country, then he is free to sleep on the couch until he learns the importance of these things.

9. Nationalistic and/or Patriotic.
I cannot marry anyone who things the western way is the way to go. Unless he's a foreigner, he may not act like one. I am a Filipino, and despite many embarrassing things that have tainted the beautiful history of this country, I will stay a Filipino to my last breath.

10. Appreciative.
I hope that he won't be so hard to please. That he'd equally enjoy a fancy dinner and a picnic in the park. That he'd equally enjoy long walks on the beach and staying in and watching old cheesy movies. I hope that he finds happiness in seeing the beauty of nature and not just buildings and architectural structures. I hope that he likes random post-it notes and sweet nothing's. I hope he likes hand written letters. I just hope he's appreciative :)

Are these too much to ask?

Just a random thought

Narcissism aside, I wonder if anyone ever felt like they made a wrong choice when they chose to leave me. Or if anyone secretly regrets not staying or fighting, or at least saying that they felt something.

Our life in passing

When we were little, we dreamt of being like those people we saw in movies or in beauty magazines. We wanted to be princesses and superheroes and maybe, fairies and other mythical creatures too. We played castle with our friends, combed each other's hair and sometimes poured imaginary tea on the cups of our imaginary friends. Carton boxes were more than just empty boxes, they were spaceships and race cars and caves and houses. Such imagination we had back then.

On good days, when it wasn't raining too hard or if the heat wasn't scorching, we'd play outside, if not in our own backyards, at the pavements of the nearest side streets. We'd draw all sorts of things on the ground after realizing that stones etch white markings if you use them as writing materials against the pavements. We'd enjoy ourselves a little too much and would dread the time when we'd hear our mothers calling us in for either, an afternoon nap, shower or supper.

And then we grew up a little. We started having crushes and boyfriends and our barbies were left in the cabinets. Suddenly, we were always so conscious of how we looked or if our clothes matched or if it was a good hair day. We always wanted to be with our friends and our parents were the greatest antagonists in our stories. On desperate days, we crept out of the house to attend this party all the cool kids were going to. After all that trouble trying to keep the gate as silent a possible while you closed it or that old screen door from banging.. After all the nervousness when you walked or rode a cab to your friend's house, you realize that the party wasn't as rad as you thought it would be and only the in people seem to be having a good time. You try to small talk some people but it just isn't working out. The morning after, you're having a bad headache from an equally bad hangover from last night!s party because you had to drown yourself in alcohol just to fool yourself that you were having fun. You go to school and fall asleep in class only to wake up and realize that you forgot you had a quiz in geometry that day. You fail and that was the beginning of your failing streak. This wasn't you.

You enter college and you promise to redeem yourself. It was all you ever dreamt of, going to college in that big ol university. And then you realize, college isn't as fun as you thought it would be. It wasn't as liberating as those movies promised. Parties were fun, people were crazy, your friends are the best, but it still wasn't what you thought it would be like.. And feel like.. College straightened you out because with all that independence you had on your hands, you suddenly felt the burden for your own life. Who you'll become in the future, how much success you would achieve or the lack thereof would now be the outcome of your decisions. So you had to finally face reality, that things aren't as simple as they used to be.. And carton boxes are now just empty boxes waiting to be filled with things you either had to throw away or keep in storage..

And then you sit down in front of your computer screen while you scrolled through your social networking site. You look at your friends list and ask yourself how many of these friends are even really your friends. You look through old pictures and realize that your life had already passed you by. You sit there and realize that you aren't happy. That there's definitely something missing. That you yearned for something more than this but never really know what happened.

How have we become these people we don't even know? The kind of people that we promised not to be?

Ky

Disclaimer: these are fictitious situations. General experiences put together. Not pertaining to anyone or any life in particular. If anything, it would have been just a great coincidence.

I Want To Get Lost

I want to get lost and get tired, the good kind of tired.

I want to go somewhere and explore that place without having to ask for directions or having to rely on a map. I want to be somewhere where I can be lost in transportation and translation. I want to know what it's like to be the alien, to know nothing about the place and emerge from it fully immersed in the culture and language of that place. I want to fall in love, with new sights and smells and tastes and sounds. I want to relearn and re-appreciate something I already know. I want to be proven wrong and made right. I want get lost.

Also, I want to get tired. The good kind of tired. The kind of tired where you just plop on your bed at the end of the day from too much walking, or swimming or hiking, or laughing. I want to get tired from tasting different delicacies or listening to folklore and stories. I want to get tired from a 3km hike just to see that sunset. I want to get tired from dancing with the elders or singing with the kids. I want to get tired from biking around town or riding on a public transportation downtown. I want to get tired from staying up late because I'm just too happy and excited to fall asleep. I want to get tired.

I want to be somewhere else that isn't here or there. I want to see beyond what my eyes can see, feel beyond what my heart can feel, listen beyond what my ears can hear and love beyond my capacity.

I want to get drunk, with laughter, passion, wine, tears, water and sunshine.

I want to get lost and get tired, the good kind of tired.

Of Sentiments on Religion

DISCLAIMER: All of the herein published statements and opinions are mine and mine alone and they do not represent anyone else's.

Growing up, I had a lot of questions about the existence of a supreme being and honestly, I still do at times. But with the beauty of nature and the numerous life altering experiences, I could not help but to believe that there is indeed a God... And that the answers to my questions were always there all along. I am not perfect, I have fallen many times, and my glory days weren't all too glorious but I was picked-up, dusted and put back on track every single time by the One who loved.

Lately, I have been having a lot of conversations about the very controversial bill. Many have expressed their distaste in it while a few have found it's positive attributes. But the main issue is whether or not the provisions of the bill are actually contrary to church teachings, offensive to morals and dangerous to health and man. The Catholic Church have taken the opposition's side and have expressed this, time and time again. Recently, an article from the UST's official publication, The Varsitarian, released an opinion/editorial article on how as Catholics they were against the bill and also their disappointment in the DLSU&ADMU professors who have confessed their support for the bill for it was 'against' Catholic teachings. (Hot Topic)

Have we forgotten the true essence of this thing we call religion? It is not the practices nor the laws. It's LOVE. Remember that story in the Bible where Jesus Christ decided to heal on a Sabbath day when supposedly, no one should be working? And he was condemned for the same? Was it wrong for Jesus to think that healing the ill was far more important than the law on Sabbath day? Had He stood there and not did anything and that person, let say, died, wouldn't He be condemned even more for that? That He stood there and did nothing when He could have saved him instead? He did this because He was given wisdom, wisdom to discern the right from the wrong, to discern which was of paramount importance, here, the law or the life. He was reminded that the very reason of the the Law is Love and if it the law would be the hindrance to deliver the acts of love, then it would defeat the original intent and purpose. No one should be deprived of justice because of the law. No one should be a victim of prejudice because of law. The law is supposed to protect us, to guide us and to maintain peace and harmony among us. "We should defer not to the letter that killeth but to the spirit the vivifieth." In the same way, I would like us to set aside the law for a while and look into issues prima facie.

Why am I saying this? I am saying this because I would want us to reevaluate how we see 'religion'. I don't think Jesus started religion, He started a culture and His followers established religion to continue what He has started. Jesus wanted to empower the weak, heal the sick, educate the children and bring light and truth to the world, not just any truth but the truth of redemption and salvation through Him. And we the believers should have faith in Him, more importantly, a personal and growing two-way relationship with Him.

God is a gentleman. He never forces anything on anyone. He set rules and gives out commandments but He still gives man the freedom to obey these rules [or not]. He allows man to walk, to see things, to discover life, to find answers, to make mistakes because we are free to do so. What God does is, He watches over us and guides us. He gives us knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge to know what is right and lawful over what is wrong and unlawful and the wisdom to apply that knowledge, to the betterment of ourselves and of everyone else.

I thought of the phrase "The Blind Leading the Blind."

We should not blindly believe and follow rules and laws. We should know the law, it's reason and the effective means to carry it out. If we just blindly follow whatever is taught to us, then we will never learn how to stand on our own and would not be able to really say that we know what we are fighting for. Even law professors challenge laws, because they study the law and have learned the art of sound discretion and have learned to identify which are good laws and bad laws. This is the main reason why even our constitution undergoes amendments/revisions. We cannot be blind leaders and blind followers, we have to start knowing why we believe in things and why we follow things. Jesus knew. Do we?

I don't know if I'm making sense. But I hope I am. I am not trying to pose an argument but I am posing a challenge, a challenge of reevaluation. :)

All the best.

Obliviate

Sometimes, I would wish that the spell "Obliviate" (To those who don't know, it's a spell from Harry Potter which erases memories. Something like that.) would actually work on us mortals. I'd wish that we can just say 'Obliviate' and our painful memories can just vanish and be forever forgotten. On days like this one, when Nostalgia is at is highest wave and pms emotions are raging, I wish I could obliviate.

My head is throbbing from a weird headache and you're who I remember.. cause the last time I had a banging headache, I was with you.

I really have this habit of associating experiences with people and apparently, most of my daily experiences are still associated to my memories of you. I don't want to replace them but I think it's time to make new ones. Really.

Old friend, I miss you. And I need that pain reliever you gave me that day. :)