"A Drop in the Ocean"

I don’t care if this will raise curiosity to many and issues and eyebrows to some but this is my blog and I’m posting what I want even if it may gain some [unsolicited] comments and reactions.

I miss you.

Not in a cheesy-romantic-clingy-childish kind of way but in the genuine kind of way. I don’t know how I can explain that but what I know is that I just really do and it keeps me up at night.

You occupy my mind as if you were paying rent. You hang around and lay around all day. I can’t even kick you out cause one, maybe I want you there and two well, I just can’t cause you are seemingly permanently inhabiting my head. You keep my mind busy during the day and you keep me up when I do wake up in the middle of the night. I try to un-think you but I just can’t. 

You have to be kicked out. Now.

I miss you like how I miss home… I miss you this way because when we talk you remind me of how I am at home, comfortable and happy… I’ve never been so comfortable with another human being since the you-know-what and it’s so beautifully scary how you just broke my walls and came right in without even hurting me. I miss how your voice just calms me and keeps me sane when my world feels like its eating me up and waves from everywhere are gushing and rolling right down on me. I miss how we used to talk about everything and nothing and something. I miss how we could just talk about random things and bore each other but it doesn’t even matter. I miss how we asked how each other’s day went and how we gave each other comforting statements that warmed my heart though they weren’t so much. I miss how goodnight became one of my favorite words when I used to resent it before. I miss how good morning became a privilege and not a routine. I miss how seeing you would be the best time of the day and hearing your voice would make everything okay. I miss who I was with you.

This silence between us is killing me.

One day I woke up and everything was falling apart. Stars started to fall, the sun seemed gloomy, December felt warm and January was cold. Suddenly, the one person I didn’t want to lose, the one person whom I thought I wouldn’t lose, I lost. Maybe not fully but I did, in a painful kind of way. You’re still in my life, yes, but not in the way that I want you to be.. Now, you’re just there but you’re not really here.

I still regret some things, I regret some events, I regret some things said, and some things left unsaid but I guess they were supposed to be that way in the end. I guess, if things didn’t happen the way they did, they would still find their way to this state in the end. I guess in the end, I would still end up losing you… for the mere reason that it wasn’t meant to be.

Wherever you are out there in the world now, know that at this very moment… I’m thinking of you..

I miss you like how I miss home..

Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.