Runaway to an unreal place

Summer vacation has been nothing but surreal to me. I've received nothing but good news the past weeks and I've yet to wrap my mind around all of them. But nevertheless I am already enjoying and celebrating because I know that I deserve it, that I deserve to. And being home has been such a great experience so far. I've been do blessed by many conversations, people, sceneries, sound, music and anything and everything about this summer vacation. May I just say, I am loving every moment of it. I am learning different things about life and about myself, some I am relearning. I've had so much moments with my God. I've been experiencing his majesty in beauty, not only of the heavens but of nature as well. His beauty never fails to amaze me and it let's me know that there is a God and that God is wide and deep and high and well it's really inexplicable. But just plain beautiful. This experience has given me peace, both inner peace and peace of mind. It has calmed down the waves in my Heart and the anxieties that have clouded my mind. It has given me joy and I feel it in my heart. It's more than just happiness, cause I feel it in my soul and in my bones. And it's nice, it's more than nice actually.

Massive Black Hole

Okay, so maybe it's not as massive..
But it still has a bearing on how I'm feeling.. As if it was a massive black hole..

I randomly decided to fix-up my corners of the room, yesterday.. And as usual, not only did I refold my clothes and rehang them in the closet, I also had to throw the junk I had on my tabletop.. But out of habit, I'd also go through my "memory" container, where I had letters from way back grade school days and pictures of many things.. And many people.. And so I got sentimental and nostalgic, for the nth time.. about the same old things.. that never change..

But yesterday, it wasn't the memorabilia that got me a tad sentimental.. It was a set of folders, a booklet and a little notebook.. To an outsider, it would be meaningless, another pile of random, now useless, junk.. But to me, it meant the world.. It was a reminder of the day I met you.. And honestly? I still remember every moment of it, as if it were just yesterday..

Yeap, that's me.. "Queen of attention to details.."..

And now.. All these things that remind me of you.. Remind me of...

This hole I have in my heart.. A little space left empty.. It's where you used to be.. Every time something reminds me of you, I feel that emptiness.. A get a tug at my heart strings.. And then, I miss you.. In a sad kind of way, cause I'm reminded of the decision I already made.. and the decision to actually honor it.. *Sigh*

I've faith in people.. and I want to believe that they are innately good..

And if destiny and chance gives me another chance, I'd still want to try to make it happen.. And see how far it can possibly go.. and ask you things.. and tell you the things I've rehearsed in my head, gazillion times..

But as of now, this is us.. Well, the absence of us, rather..

Wherever you are.. I hope you're doing okay.. And I'm hoping you're thinking of the last conversation we had too.. And I hope one day, I'll get an answer..


(Because her intro is just so appropriate. Relevant. True Story.)

Dear Leo,

I can't believe I'm calling you that.. For the lack of a better alias and because that's who you are to me now, that's how I'll address you.. Leo, if you read this.. I'm sorry.. But like I said, for the lack of a better alias.. Know that you are my only Leo..

So much for that..

Okay, so let me start with this line from the movie 'Because I said so'..

"And sometimes you laugh when I cry and you say 'huh' when I make perfect sense."

Okay. THAT. That was great coincidence.

Things didn't turn out the way I expected them to.. And I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing..

I wanted to tell you things.. Lines I've rehearsed time and time again, hoping I'd get them right.. But nothing came across the way I wanted them to.. I actually wasn't really able to tell you what I was hoping to tell you.. I guess that's how it's supposed to go and maybe I didn't really need to let you know so much..

I'm sorry in advanced...

Have a good life

Agape,
Starfire.

The Biggest Insult

I am not usually easily insulted or offended. I am sensitive to harsh words but I'm usually able to filter them and brush them off my shoulders. People can call me anything they want and they can think of me in any way but I just try to not let anything of that get to me.

But of the names to call me, the very name that really ticks me off is "Spoiled". I hate it when someone thinks I'm spoiled because I "get what I want". Yeah maybe in that sense I am spoiled but I spoil myself. My dad may be well off but I am not. As much as possible, I get my own stuff. I save up from my allowance, whatever's left of it anyways, and use that to "spoil" myself. I only try to get what I deserve. I'm not trying to be arrogant or hypocritical, of course I still receive things from my parents, but I don't ask for things I don't need. My gadgets are usually "rewards" but everything else, I earned.

So please don't call me spoiled, I am just blessed.

Seriously though, it really ticks me off.

Timing is a funny thing.

I was looking at my past blogs and for some strange reason I suddenly paid attention to the dates. I am as Sara Bareilles puts it, a queen of attention to details. I pay attention to even the smallest things.. And though I'm usually forgetful and I leave all my things behind, I remember details, I remember moments, I remember dates.

Last year's [insert month here] was absolutely insane! Everything happened so fast that I didn't even notice that everything happened in a span of a month, long enough for things to grow but soon enough for things to fall apart.

** 10th, I blogged about giving up on love. Well, romantic love. I blogged about not wanting to enter a relationship anymore because I lost faith in men, my father included. I could read the hurt and the pain through each word of that blog, I wonder what I was really feeling during that moment.

** 11th, something happened, and I'm not sure if it made me happy or sad or both altogether. But I remember that I felt really really confused. I was confused about what I was feeling about the situation, about the person involved, about what happened, well you get me.. I was confused about everything.. But I remember that it helped me conclude this one chapter of my life.. I realized that I didn't want it anymore, not now, anyway.. I realized that it really wasn't what I wanted anymore..

oh my gosh, this is making me want to cry..

** 12th, I met the guy who taught me how trust again.. I met the guy who made me realize that not all things are bound to doom.. I met the guy who said the words "I really did fight for you." I met the guy who changed my views on things.. His timing for me was perfect.. but for him, I'm not so sure.. Just when I thought things were gonna turn out okay, well.. I guess they turned out for the better..

Timing really is a funny thing..  When you thought this is it.. it apparently isnt..

Hey You, YES, you!

I just want to take this time to tell YOU, my readers, that I appreciate you reading my random rants and posts. :) I'd also want to hear your thoughts on things, may they be reactions or comments on my posts or just a random rant from you as well. They are very much welcomed on this blog, so please feel free :)

Wherever you are out there in the world, this one goes to you!

Cheers!

Starfire

Here's the thing..

No matter what you do, you don't really choose the person you fall in love with it.. The choice you make is when you'd want to actually make those feelings grow.. You can call people stupid for getting themselves into situations that are too sticky but you know what? Some of them don't want to be there either.. But it already happened.. And whatever they're doing to address that sticky situation , it's what they think is best.. what THEY THINK is best..

Please don't judge your friends who fall in love and act all stupid.. They don't want to be stupid either.. But sometimes, people just really have to experience what it's like to be stupid.. To learn.. To gain experience.. And to hopefully make better choices in the future..

After all, we were all there once.. at some point in our lives, we loved the wrong persons and we've acted all stupid.. We knew that we were bound to end up heart broken but we continued on with the battle anyway.. In the end, if we didn't get the results that we wanted, at least we could say that we did something.. Like one of my favorite sayings says.. "It is better to have love and to have lost than to have never loved at all.."

Had you not been "stupid in love", you wouldn't know the things that you are telling your friends now.. Back then, you were also clueless, you were also learning the rules of the game.. Admit it, you've made your violations too.. You were once ignorant too.. So please.. don't be an ass wipe and be all judgmental about your friends' choices..

If  they ask for your opinion, give them out with all generosity and rebuke them with love.. But if they don't, it's most probably because they don't want it.. Don't give them unsolicited advice because most often than not when they run to you, it's because they just want a listening ear.. They just want to withdraw emotions.. I'm not saying that you tolerate the decisions of your friends.. Of course it's also in your job description to bonk your friends in the head when they're already going too far.. What I'm really trying to say is that, be there.. Be the support system that s/he needs.. Your advice and suggestions can only do so much because in the end, it's still their call.. it's still their decision and it's still their responsibility..

Listen to them.. Ask them questions.. Make them feel that they're in a safe place.. Make them know that with you it's okay to be vulnerable.. that it's okay to cry.. Make it apparent that you are listening to them and not just hearing what they're saying.. Ask them follow up questions because sometimes, they too do not know how they're feeling about the situation.. if they ask you what you think, tell them bluntly but don't be tactless.. Make sure that your statements are not judgmental, otherwise they won't feel comfortable anymore.. Give them rebukes but affirm them too.. Make sure that at the of the conversation, even if the problem is still there, that s/he is encouraged.. that s/he is not stupid but of course, s/he has to make the right choices..

They say a problem shared is 50% solved.. Let you be that 50%.. :)

Love is never an easy game to play.. there are no rule books or guidelines.. So be kind.. because if you were in the same situation, you know that you'd want to be treated fairly and listened to, too.. :)

Because, some thoughts aren't so random..

Love,
Starfire