In brutal frankness and in all honesty

DISCLAIMER: This post is written in frustration, anger, disappointment, pain and all possible synonymous and parallel emotions you can probably think of. But as much as this post would be subjective and biased towards the "subject" of this blog, I will be in my most honest mode and will write and try to be as objective as I can. (I will not promise anything but honesty and brutal frankness).

Maybe I over expected, maybe I was overly excited about this summer that well, I found myself indisappointment. Actually, I enjoyed the first parts of my summer vacation. It gave me peace and happiness. I was rejoicing in the Lord for the many good news I've received but I guess with every good there is a hidden bad, not really bad, but a distraction to un-notice the good.

Until today, I am still very much thankful for having passed both my undergrad and law school. I still cannot fully embrace the fact that I've made it but it is slowly sinking in. I'm so proud of myself for making it. But I'm a tad disappointed only because I didn't believe in myself enough that I would make it, not as much He believed in me. Had I believed in myself, had I put enough faith in myself, maybe I would've done greater things. He knew I could do it, He knew that I could manage, I wish I knew too. Had I known, maybe I would've done better. But what the heck. CHEERS TO MAKING IT!!! You did well! I am proud of you, Kelsey, I am.

But during stolen moments and quiet minutes, I cry and it's not the good kind of crying. I'm honestly really hurt. I feel like, growing up, I've done nothing but disappoint my parents. I've always tried to please them, joined every contest, earned all possible awards, but it was never enough, I was never enough. Sometimes, when they make me feel like crap, I think of the things I've done and I don't think I'm that bad. Of course I've made one too many mistakes but I have not killed anyone, I do not do drugs, I am not a drunkard, I don't fail my subjects, as a matter of fact, I am graduating on time and never did I rebel. But sometimes I feel like I'm such as bad daughter because I always disappoint them.

Actually. I'm getting tired of disappointing them. I'm growing tired of looking for things to do right for them to overlook the wrongs but to date, I have not found any. The wrong still overpowers the right, no matter what I do. And it kills me knowing that I strive because of them and for them. I wanna make them proud, I hope I do, because as of now, I think I am failing at it, still failing at it.

I never understood how my dad's mind worked. I think I know him but I don't think I know enough. I don't know what makes him happy and I don't know what makes him proud because I haven't really heard the words "I'm proud of you".. I always feel so stupid around him and I always feel like he's always waiting for something to go wrong to blame it on me.. I know I may be exaggerating but it really feels like the case..

When I enter law school, I promise to forget about mediocrity. I promise to always put my best foot forward. And I will do this not for anyone else but myself and my God. I'm quitting the please-your-parents game and I'm joining the doing-things-for-your-own-fulfillment wagon.. So the next time I fail I know I'll be failing myself above anyone else.. I'll do things because I know I can and not because I know someone's expecting.. I'll do things out of compassion and passion and not to impress anyone...

I'm done being the people pleaser.. I'm now standing up for myself..