In an alternate or parallel universe

What if in an alternate or parallel universe, we got everything we wanted? We reached every goal we had? We fulfilled every plan and every dream we dreamt of? Where no heart got broken and no soul got crushed. And every break-up was mutual. What if there was a universe where there was no one who had to live or die poor. Where money wasn't a desperate need? And where apologies were sincere and patience was abounding. What if there was a universe where you and I had met in a different place, in a different time and a different circumstance? In that universe, would I still be writing this blog?

In that world, I would have been an artist.. Maybe a singer, or a book writer or maybe even a designer of many things.. I would have finished a degree abroad but would've come back to work here, where I truly belong.. Home.. I would have owned 4 different breeds of dogs which I would have the luxury of time to walk every morning.. I would have lived in an apartment with a studio attached beside it; a studio which turns into the place where friends cozy up and share a story or two after a long week's work.. I would have owned a beat up range rover which I would still love nevertheless.. In that life I would be five foot six with longer legs.. I'd have ash brown colored hair that's perfectly wavy and that didn't have split ends..

One fateful day, I went down to the local coffee shop, like I usually do on mornings, and got my usual to go.. As I paid for my take out, I found you there, sitting on the corner table with your planner and journal to the side.. Your eyebrows meeting and your fingers tapping on the table.. while your other hand maybe massaging your nape.. There you would still be you.. only, the you that was meant for me.. I would have approached you but I realize I was 10 minutes away from being late from the meeting I scheduled for that day.. And before I walked away, I looked at you, to take another mental image if you.. To keep for rainy days.. You, were the guy for me, after all.. Even if I didn't know it yet..

So, I got my stuff and stepped on the gas and arrived my office right on the dot.. My secretary, would still be answering calls and booking appointments with other co-artists.. And in that world, I love my secretary because in this world, I have yet to have one.. She would put the call on hold and greet me goodmorning, she's the sweetest.. She would tell me that the client for the day has not arrived yet.. This would be a relief.. I would then go to my office and do my usual morning routine, whatever those are and open my planner.. "Today will be a great day! XO" would have been written down on that space for that day.. I look at the clock and Mr. client is apparently late, 20 minutes beyond schedule.. It was a good thing I was in a good mood that day, it didn't quite matter as much..

And after that seemingly short 25 minutes, my secretary finally called to inform me client was already coming into my office. I shut off my computer monitor and set aside the paper work I had for that day.. and finally, client comes in.. Before I could even say good morning, I see your face and I would have probably been dumbfound at that moment knowing that you were that same guy I wanted to approach in the cafe earlier today.. I smile and motion you to take a seat, I still couldn't take my eyes of you..

In that universe, you were very much available and you were very sure that I was the one you wanted.. There were no spur of the moments and moments brought about my too much alcohol. There, we talked on the phone every night and woke each other up in the morning.. There I wouldn't have been the second choice.. There I wouldn't have been just an option because I was the one you would eventually end up with.. Maybe, in that life I wouldn't be writing about another world because in that world, I already got everything that I wanted.. You.. :)

White Flag

I'm done. I'm done with this illusion. I'm done trying to believe that this particular impossible thing could ever be possible. That was a grave err in judgment, to try to believe that there really is a pot of gold. That there was a leprechaun beside that pot of gold. I'm done with this set-up of tag you're "it" and hide and seek. I'm done with cheating myself all the time. I'm done giving away precious time. I'm done wasting time away, waiting for things that were never meant to happen anyway. I'm done believing that "from now on things are going to change". I'm done believing you. I'm tired of loving you more than I should, than I do myself. I'm tired of the same disappointments and hurts. I'm done with this.

Things that you shouldn't go around giving people

Let's cut to the chase. Let me skip the intro part and just point blank state the things that people SHOULD STOP giving.

1. People should stop going around giving people UNCALLED FOR judgements and negative criticisms. Especially when they do not even know what the whole story is. Didn't your momma ever teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all?

2. People should stop going around giving people a hard time. Especially when it is unnecessary. If you don't have plans of saying yes to that suitor, just dump him. If you don't like her stop entertaining her. If you don't like the company of this particular friend then stop hanging out with him/her.. rather than being annoying and mean to him/her, do yourselves a favor and just drop it..

3. People just HAVE to stop going around giving out promises they don't intend to keep. Stop saying this when you're mad and stop declaring things when you're happy. Stop saying this and that and you promise that this and that. Stop promising that from now on things will change. Stop promising that this will be the last time. There are already too many broken promises, we don't need any more of them.

4. People have to stop going around giving mixed signals that cause false hope. Stop being indecisive and fickle minded. Stop being so unsure all the time. Stop being selfish. Stop wanting everything for yourself. You cant always have the best of both worlds. You can't not want commitment but want to be with him/her. You can't be in a relationship yet show another that you're interested. It's painful, it's unfair and what sucks is that most of the people that are treated this way don't deserve it. You just gotta stop!

5. People have to stop going around crushing peoples hearts. So you've been hurt before and because of that you go around hurting everyone else? Then you're just like all of them. You of all people know what it's like to get your heart broken, how painful it is, how pathetic you feel every time you cry about it, you know how little it makes you feel. You of all people know what it's like. Why do you go around and make other people feel the same way? Okay, so were you avenged by that act of yours? Are you happy now? Really?

People should stop being so cruel.. Everyone is going through their own tough time and they don't need you to aggravate it by any of your stupid unthought-of actions. Stop being mean.. Everyone is struggling and everyone is trying to get their acts together still.. No one deserves to be treated like trash.. No one..

It was and always will be the chase

I guess that's exactly why I'm still stuck here.

Washday Wednesdays

I have done nothing but read break up, let go and move on tagged notes on Thought Catalog last night and this morning and I can’t express enough how better I feel in spite of the depressing tones of each note. It’s like the sadness of each, bring me some sort of comfort and consolation. Maybe it does. Maybe it is consoling and comforting because it gives me a sense of affirmation knowing that I’m not alone. That somewhere, somehow, someone feels the same as I am at this very moment, even if not in the same gravity. Some may have it better and some may have it worse, but it’s a good cup of coffee and an ever better shot of positive espresso to me. It’s like, in a parallel universe, there’s me, heartbroken but definitely handling it better. It’s like in another world, maybe I’m not so broken as I’d like to think I am.

Is it pathetic to feel better reading sad novels and feel worse when reading happy ones?  Cause I kind of feel pathetic now. Especially that I’m writing this blog on MSWord because I can’t connect to Coffee Bean’s Wifi. But nevertheless, it’s also comforting, the sound of people talking and the grinder grinding the coffee beans, and the sound of jazz music in the not-so-background. I feel like those characters in the movies that are supposedly “artists” who sip coffee and write novels on their laptop in coffee shops, only I’m not writing a novel but a blog of how depressed I am.

I don’t exactly know what‘s causing this depression but I know quite a number of things that might have been contributing to my self-proclaimed distress. I think the first would be this new environment I’m trying to get used to. It’s awfully weird to be in the same campus but not having the same people to hang around with. It’s like I’m in my comfort zone but it’s not so comfortable after all. I miss my friends terribly but no amount of missing them would change the fact that we’ve already graduated and this is grad school now. Grad school is more mature and it emphasizes independence as the attribute you must possess and master.  It gets lonely sometimes, it really does, but you have to push past these feelings of loneliness and take them as something positive. It’s like all the independence you asked for in college being forced upon you and it feels like an overdose but you can’t complain about it because other than that there’s nothing you can do about it. I know it’s just the start and I’ll make new friends soon and it won’t be so bad… But now it’s like there’s nothing else to do but call in sad, like a sick day but instead a sad one. I’m trying hard but I guess I have to give it time; it’s only a week short of a month since school started anyway. I guess this is normal.

I also know that I miss my friends a lot. I miss how it’s their faces that greet me good morning 4 out of 7 days in week. I miss how we’re all going through the same thing every day and ranting about our stressful work is part of the everyday routine.  I miss having people around me who know that my smiles are fake and that my day isn’t going all too great even if it’s just a few hours young.

I also know that I want to be here, this is exactly where I hoped I would be a few years ago but I didn’t think it would feel like this.  I always thought everyday would be tense and nervous and intense and fierce but everyday feels like a marathon of how I met your mother. It’s like every day is a search for who “mother” is and it’s already the 7^th season and still her identity is unknown. Really Ted, why don’t you just reveal who she is? Does she even exist?

 I guess another thing would be you. I miss you and I don’t know how many blogs I’ve already written to express that. I know it would be counterproductive to try and bring back the friendship that we used to have but I at least want to try. I want to know how your day went and what troubles went your way. I want to know what achievement made your proud of yourself and what failure made you want to strive harder. I want to know what new word you learned today and what memory reminded you of the past. I want to be one of those who you primarily call to share your good news again, even if I’m not involved in it at all. I want to be the constant friend. I want to feel like I have the right to be in your life and not just some pedestrian crossing a street passing you by.  If anything I just want to know how you are. That’s all.

 After having consumed at least 16 oz. of coffee and 2 hours of trying to distract myself from academic work, which I’m obviously so good at, I think if not totally, I feel a bit better. My heart seems a tad heavier and I feel it thudding in haste, but I guess that’s just the cold cup of coffee I drowned myself with and in. I guess there are some days that being okay is not necessarily being happy but knowing that things aren’t perfect yet you try to make them better one day at a time. I guess there are times that being okay is after crying your heart and eyes out, even if doing so did not even significantly change anything. I’d like to believe that being okay is not solely being in the state of being problem free but just being okay. You know, you’re not happy but you’re not suicidal sad and it’s comforting that even after everything, you’re still alive. I guess being okay is about being alive, no matter what your general disposition is.

"You don't need to say anything"

A repost from http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/you-dont-need-to-say-anything/
By Chelsea Fagan

There was a time when receiving even the most insignificant message from you would have been simply incredible — when it would have told me that, no matter what was happening, I still crossed your mind. Because as we all know, silence is the most brutal statement one can make. Screaming about how much you hated me or telling me I was ugly, well, it would have been tolerable. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin; the true opposite of love is apathy. And if you had screamed, I would have known that regardless of how hard you tried to convey your disdain for me, I still meant enough to you to write a few words, to make your sentiments known. But you remained  silent, and so I shut up as well.

I have lost people in my life before — I have a choice soul or two with whom I can no longer speak. Even acknowledging their existence, or confronting them with mine, would be just too ugly and pour salt into too many wounds. There are bridges I have burned out of necessity. Yours was simply abandoned, left untended for years until weeds grew through it and the railing fell apart and it became something you might take a black-and-white picture of, but you could never cross again. It was unsafe, destroyed by neglect. And that hurt more — to see something just erode into oblivion is so much more brutal than to cover it with gasoline and to toss a match on it. I wanted fireworks, to go out with a bang. I guess that’s human nature.

And the time that we didn’t speak went from a simple act of convenience into a border which could no longer be crossed. There is an invisible moment in time, a line of sorts, that you traverse at a certain point in a mutual silence. It is the time when, from then on, starting a conversation would be awkward and jagged and require an embarrassed explanation of why you haven’t spoken in so long. We crossed that point a long time ago, whether I wanted to or not, and I knew that going back would be fruitless. Acknowledging each other was over, and it was time to accept the quiet death of a friendship that had taken place.

Of course, I still hoped that you would reach out. One day you would extend your hand and say that you were sorry, that things were okay, that we don’t need to keep this uncomfortable distance. You would tell me that we were being immature, that life is too short, and many other cliches that we could nod in agreement on. I waited for it consciously, then without thinking of it, and eventually I wasn’t waiting at all. My life began to continue, and your peripheral existence didn’t factor in. I was happy without it, and the fact that you weren’t a part of everything was no longer a tangible hole needing to be filled.

Every day became more and more about what was good, enjoyed fully without a nagging sense of “if only I could share it with this person.” I made new friends, and strengthened ties with old ones. I no longer thought about our silence, about our depressing ending, about the fact that we’d never again stay up all night watching internet videos and drinking beer. It was simply a chapter in my life that had closed, and the ending seemed appropriate. We can’t appreciate or understand the endings of things when they’re happening, of course, but with a little distance they usually parse themselves out. We were right to go our separate ways, and I know we’re both the better for it — even if we can’t pinpoint exactly why.

So there’s no need to apologize, to come and say something, to awkwardly jump-start a conversation that goes nowhere in a matter of minutes. There’s no need to acknowledge what happened, or talk about the things we would have done differently. Our lives are filled with things we could have done better, but I know you well enough to know that just because things end on a bad note doesn’t mean all the wonderful music before was worthless. I won’t let the ugly end color my memories of you. But we are no longer the same people, and there’s no reason to force a false friendship because of some misplaced sense of nostalgia.

It’s the holidays, and we are remembering the people we left behind. But sometimes remembering is enough. You’re surrounded by your loved ones, and I with mine, and there’s no need to toast because the season tells us we should. We’re all okay, and there are so many exciting things in front of us — let’s let that be enough. 

"Reasons why I cannot love you"

A repost from http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/reasons-why-i-cannot-love-you/ 
by Kat George 

Don’t get me wrong—I think you’re great. I like to eat dinner across from you, quickly glancing down at the fork idly fondling my food when you catch my eye. I like the coy smiles that pass between us, and the way that once we’re both drunk you become brave enough to hold my hand, and I become excited enough to hold it back. I like it when my phone vibrates in the night and it’s you saying something completely irrelevant, just so you could text me. I like that you like me; I like what we have.

But I can’t love you. I can’t love you because I couldn’t love the one before you, and I wont be able to love the one after you. It’s not because you’re not wonderful, or because you don’t deserve to be loved. It’s because you’ve melted into those other ones—you’re all the same. None of the dinners, the lazy days spent in bed cradling each other’s naked bodies, the little things you whisper to me, none of it is new. I’ve heard and done these things before, the motions are repetitive, and my responses are habitual. I can’t love you because we don’t have that special… thing… that makes every one of these practiced encounters seem brand new.

I can’t love you because I’m measuring you against a yard-stick from long ago, and you keep falling short. Every movement you make, every tiny word you utter, I pick up and hold towards the sun to see if you’ll turn transparent and I’ll see him inside your skin. When he’s not there—and he never is—I know I’ll never be able to love you. I haven’t and I can’t move on; it’s not your fault. I know I’m being entirely ridiculous, but when he haunts my sleep and I awaken in the morning only to see your resting eyes andyour mouth agape on the pillow next to me, I feel disappointed, and I hate that I feel that way. I can’t love you because I’m entangled in the past, and I’m still not ready for the future.

I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop fucking doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me, you don’t even want to see me, for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person.

I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time; I barely have time to see my friends, the people I know I’ll be 80 with, if we all (God/ universe/ Mother Nature willing) make it that far. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you, and I didn’t realize my mental process was making these ludicrous deductions until a friend casually pointed out that I was a New Yorker now, and that New York was what was ‘happening’ to me. And here I was thinking I was just holding out for Mr. Right. I can’t love you because logically or illogically, my brain doesn’t compute having you any higher on my list of priorities.

I can’t love you because I’m happy on my own. It’s been almost a year now, and I’ve healed from the destructive force of a previous relationship. I’ve learned how to enjoy my own company and laugh at my own jokes. I can’t love you because if I do you’ll be in my bed with me at night, or worse, I’ll be at yours without my things around me. I wont be able to sleep spread-eagled, to eat crispy fried bacon in my underpants, to make plans to go out whenever I want, or to make plans to stay in whenever I want. I can’t love you because, right now, I’m enjoying my ‘me’ time far too much—I’m like a pig in shit. I can’t love you because for the first time in my life, I’m being selfish.

I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be. I can’t love you because I don’t want to, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person. 

It's the time of the month

I always wondered what it's like to be like those girls on tumblr, the ones who have nice long hair and a tiny tummy. I wonder what it's like to be the girl every guy wants to be with and every girl wants to be. I wonder what it's like to be the epitome of beautiful.

I always wondered what it's like to be you. To be you who, effortlessly, attracts every guy you meet. You, who every guy would want to be with. I wonder what it's like to have a guy, one after the other without even trying so hard. I wonder what it's like to be the better looking friend.

I guess it's just the time of the month.

Breaking Routines

I am seriously in dire need of a distraction, not just tonight but for the rest of my nights [as a law student]. I know this might be something ironic to say as I need full on concentration to do good in law school but I swear on my toes that I need a distraction. I need infatuation.

It's not that I'm already disheartened in my pursuance of the jurisprudence, but no matter how worthwhile it is, it does get boring. It's as if my life is a routine of constant constant-ness. I wake up, eat, read, go to class, have the new readings photocopied, go home, eat, read and sleep. Some of which are omitted on special occasions.  Sometimes, I think even as I fall asleep or at the very moment I awake, I still think of what I did or will do during the day. It's challenging but it gets boring too. So yes, I am bored. I am bored of the moot-ness of things. I am tired of doing the same things everyday. It's as if everyday is a constant battle to give up on reading. I need excitement. I need infatuation. I need a breaking of my routine. I can't live like this. I just can't.

I need to get drunk. With words, with thought, with emotions. With the splendor of things. With the beauty of nature. With the uncertainty of the future.

I need to fall in love. With my friendships. With my everyday short drive trips. With the day and night sky. With the scent of faint flowers.

I need to seek new things.

I want to experience something. Anything.

I need to break through.

I don't need it to be perfect

I've seen a lot of relationships spark and die.. I've seen a lot of couples who fell in love and [supposedly] fell out of it.. I've seen a lot of tears and torn up diaries.. I've seen a lot who tried but just couldn't fight any longer.. I've seen love that was accepted and rejected.. I've seen love that died, even when it didn't deserve to.. I've seen love that last forever.. 

Here's the thing, we all want love.. We all want to experience the kind of love that sustains us and keeps us going everyday.. We all want to belong to someone.. We all want to mean something.. We all want to be the someone, someone else is scared to lose.. We want to know that we are wanted..

When I fall in love again, I need it not be perfect.. In fact, I don't need it to be anywhere near it.. I know that we'll fight and get annoyed at each other.. I know that there are days that we won't feel like loving each other.. I know that there will days that we'd want time apart.. But I know that our love will be strong enough to survive all of those.. We don't need to be in love.. What I'd rather have is a love that's not solely based on romantic love.. I want to know that I love you and that I'm in love with you..

But this is what I know now.. I know that I won't let morning come that we're not okay.. I won't fall asleep knowing that one of us is still upset..  I won't let my feelings of hatred and anger last too long.. I know that we'll communicate and talk about things, like matured grown ups.. I know that we won't spend precious time fighting over petty things.. We'll spend it discovering life and the beauty it brings..

I don't need our love to be perfect, I just need it to be real.

5 Things to De-Stress you

Stress seems to be a part of everyone's lives now, I guess it's the culture and the kind of lives we live. If we're not careful, too much stress can cause problems, not just physically but mentally as well. Too much stress causes mental blocks and mental dysfunctions. It also disrupts your sleep and it causes agitation. Too much stress also takes its toll on your body; it makes you weak and it causes you to slow down.

I'd like to share simple ways which you could do to at least lessen your stress :) These are the things I personally fancy doing. I hope they would help you too


1. Do something you like doing

If you have a hobby, like photography or painting or dancing, set a side a time to do it. Your mind needs a creative outlet too, you should give into it.

2. Go to a spa/Get a massage

Usually, massages relaxes your tensed muscles and soothes your tired body. It's always nice to treat your body to something relaxing after a tough day or week.

3. Sleep

It's important to get enough sleep. It's your body's time to repair the overworked muscles and it also helps calm and relax your body. This also gives your brain a time to cool down.

4. Read a book

Leisure reading is also good for your brain. It's still stimulates brain activity but what you're reading isn't as heavy and serious.

5. Quiet Down

The hustle and bustle of the city is one of the things that contribute to stress. It's nice to be still and quiet down for a while. Play really really soft music to help set the mood and just sit or lie down and just do nothing.

Don't let the world cave in on you. :)

The thing[s] you need to know about moving on

Last night, like any other night, I lied awake on my bed thinking about us, or at least what used to be. I thought about the what if’s, the what could’ve been’s and all the plans that were seemingly flushed down the toilet when you decided to cheat on me. I thought of how pathetic I felt on that day I caught you and how pathetic I feel up until today. It’s been over two years but I still remember everything that happened like it was yesterday, both the bad and the good of course.

Before, I felt pathetic because I couldn’t accept the fact the you outwit me, the you outsmart me, that you were able to hide all of those things from me and I didn’t even see any of it coming. Today, I feel pathetic because I know that somehow, there’s still a part of me that’s hurting whenever I am reminded of that part of the past.

But I guess moving on really takes time.  When you gave almost all of what you can give of yourself to a person, expect that you will get hurt in almost the same gravity. And all that hurt doesn’t go away just like that. Wounds take time to heal and scars take time to disappear. For some, moving on is easy, for some it’s difficult but what’s important I guess is that you do it in your own pace. Moving on is not a race of who between you and your ex can do the moving on first, it’s a walkathon until you finally reach the finish line, strong.

To move on, you have to decide that you will. You have to recognize the necessary actions you have to take, even if it means deactivating your facebook or closing down your twitter. You have to make a conscious effort everyday to surrender you heartaches to the universe. You have stop listening to sad love songs about even sadder love stories. You have to know that it’s okay to cry but to mull and sulk and wallow over it is different. You have to learn to differentiate pain from the one you have self-inflicted. You have to learn that forgiveness is a part of the process and moving on will only be genuine when you have already forgiven. You have to learn that no matter how hard you try, some things are not made to last.

And when you’ve finally moved on, don’t think that all the feelings are already gone. Expect that you’ll still smile or feel your heart jump when you remember him. Expect that your sense of smell will still be attracted to the scent of the perfume he used to wear. Your sense of taste will still remember your favourite dessert as a couple. Your sense of touch will still feel him on your pillow case, at certain nights. But don’t fret, remembering does not equate to vulnerability. This is just your body’s way of reminding that you once upon a time, you took the risk of giving your heart to someone else. It’s a reminder that you loved and lost got broken but are now recovering. Moving on is a process, and remember that it’s both a means and an end.

Treat your moving on as a learning experience. Learn that life is beautiful even when your heart got crushed into a million pieces. Learn that you shouldn’t give yourself a deadline as to when you have supposedly forgotten what it was like to love him. Learn that he/they will always be a part of who you once were. Learn that in the end, everything was necessary and worthwhile.

The thing about moving on is, you never really know when it truly has happened. It just does.

Even wise men made mistakes

One of the things that hold people back from truly enjoying and experiencing life is the fear of failure and committing mistakes. Sometimes they don't even go out of their comfort zones anymore.. And little do they realize that they are already missing half of their life as they stay on that safe side..

I remember an 'unsolicited' yet solicited advice a stranger once gave me. (forgive the profanity). "Don't be scared to make mistakes, you're expected to! How will you learn if you don't even try? While you're young, fuck up! Cause you'll already look stupid when you're older."

What is it about failure and mistakes that make a lot of people so scared of it? It's not like it makes you any less of a person.. It's not like you're doomed for life when you make the wrong choice.. (of course except those that are both wrong and sinful in nature. e.i. Killing).. When everything is at its end, and you're on your death bed, you'd realize that everything that happened was necessary and it was all worthwhile.

So what if you loved the wrong person? Would you have known s/he was wrong if you didn't try? So what if you scrape your knees? These are battle scars you can wear proud. A remnant of 'the good ol' days' that you can always tell your kids about. So what if you lose something? There's always something you'd gain afterwards.. So what if other people look down on you when you fall? That's normal, of course they would cause you're on the ground. Watch them look up to you, when you stand back up.. Now tell me, what are you afraid of again?

No matter how hard you try, there will always be a time to fail.. You are not perfect, no one is and ever will be.. Don't be too hard on yourself.. even wise men made mistakes.. Remember that who you were, does not define who you are now and who you can become in the future.. But also remember that your past will always be your source of wisdom.. Mistakes are lessons in disguise.. Be optimistic..

There's no manual, there's no instructions, there's no guide.. Every experience is unique.. Even though two people have similar experiences, they are not exactly the same.. Which is why no one can tell you what to do except yourself.. Life is the kind of thing that you have to explore to learn how it works.. It's a personal experience, no one else can live it for you but yourself..

Fear nothing but fear itself.. Live life.. Learn everything that you can.. See Everything there is to see.. Love.. Laugh and live free.. :)

Of that two letters beside each other on the KeyBoard

Watched Men In Black today with the fam bam. It was a good escape from all the academic stuff and it was also a good way to rest the mind. I loved how it had a real story unlike other action movies which stories don't even make sense.. I loved the ending, a first in a long time..

There was this one particular line that struck me the most.. "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.." I was always the kind of person who always wanted to know.. As much as possible, I always make it a point that I understand where the other person is coming from by asking a lot of questions. Most of the time, the questions just disappoint me or hurt me but nevertheless, I still see it as a sort of freedom.. A Freedom from the anxiety I once carried.. Freedom from the nights I tossed and turned in bed as I thought of all those questions and what the probable answers were.. And what I keep in mind is that even thought it hurts now, it'll hurt less in the future.. Because it saves me from the prolonged agony of waiting and guessing.. It saves me from a deeper hurt in the future..

But today maybe I'll try changing it up a little.. Maybe I'll try to stop asking too much questions and just wait  until the person or the answer would purposely come to me.. Maybe I'll try to be content with what I know now and just be thankful that that's that. Maybe like K said in Men in black, that would lead me to living a happy life..

Knowing the answers isn't always what's helpful.. Sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid.. and maybe sometimes, ignorance is indeed bliss..

Though I still have so much to ask you, I'll leave it at that. Have a happy life!

The Comfort of Coffee

I think the best drinks in life are those that you learn to love through an acquired taste. Beer, wine, whiskey and coffee. These are the drinks you hated when you were little but learned to love through the years.. When your taste buds have already developed..

Of the above, coffee most comforts me.. Not only do I drink it to stay awake or to wake me up in the morning.. I also love drinking it for leisure.. I love cold coffee but the warmth of hot coffee is still a much more exciting experience..

It's like entering into a relationship..

It's hot when it's newly poured..
You don't know what it taste like..
 And you gently blow it to cool it..
The first sip is the most exciting one..
And then you become aware of the taste and the texture.. If its strong or mild or creamy or frothy..
And then you learn what you love about it or what you don't like about it..
And you think of adding some sugar or cream to tweak it to your taste..
 But as you drink more of it, you appreciate that it actually tastes better without too much extras..
And then when it's almost finished, you try to sip as little with every sip to savor the moment..
And then when your finally done, you get excited for the next time..
Like when your day is over with the one you love and you look forward to tomorrow. :)
And the even thought you drink it everyday and starts to become part of the routine,
you don't get sick of it..
You try to switch to tea but you find yourself coming back to it at the end..
Because there's nothing like that bitter sweet taste that coffee leaves in your mouth..

So yes,
Coffee best comforts me..

What I hate about missing you

So, I'm not actually sure if you can lose something you never had but what I'm sure about is that you can and will feel the sense of loss. It's like wanting this really nice pair of shoes and when you finally have the money for it, you find out that your size is already out of stock. You never had the shoe but you were so close to having it and somehow, you feel like you lost it.

I guess I feel the same about a certain someone.

Sometime ago, I fell in love with a guy who was totally out of my league. I thought it was possible, I thought it would work but with the tone of my sentences, you know how it all went down.

And I miss him every second since then. And everything just finds its way to remind me of him. A word, a taste, a place, a song, a shirt... you get what I mean.. Sometimes, I'd find myself smiling at the thought of him or the things he'd say or the things that we used to do.. But sometimes, when I do remember all of these memories and moments, I just find myself quiet.. thinking of the things that I could've done differently which might have made him stay.. But I guess this is life for us.. We think of the possibilities, we regret what has already happened and we mourn the loss of them.. But we cannot mull over all of these things forever.. There will come a time that we just have to stick to the smiles and tap our own shoulders and remind ourselves that we have to move on.. Life is too beautiful to wallow over sad things..

I guess the thing about missing you though is, I feel like I don't even have the right to.

How We Talk About The People We Don’t Know Anymore | Thought Catalog

a repost from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-we-talk-about-the-people-we-dont-know-anymore/
by stephanie georgopulos. 

We broach the subject in a shade-cloaked backyard after drinking three glasses of wine with a friend who has never met them, will never meet them. We begin slowly, carefully, flirting with ambiguity and speaking in fat generalizations: this guy I once dated and it was a long time ago. But there’s something so intoxicating about remembering what we fought to forget, isn’t there, so we speak in finites and details now, we won’t quit while we’re ahead. That has always been our problem. We get into the way he fixed pasta and his dried, storied hands; we get into the things he’s confessed to crying over, the death of beloved pets and the divorcing of parents. We speak of the films we watched in bed together and which of his friends we miss the most; we wonder what they’re doing now.

We talk about black nights giving way to pink mornings and half-planned vacations that never came to fruition, we talk about nicknames and restaurants and cigarette brands. Bad haircuts and live jazz and suitable names for a cat and fights about nothing. We talk about how easy it is to trick yourself into believing that being good together is enough, that it will only get better, that some piece of him knew what we knew. We talk about disappointment, about holding our tongues, about losing what we never had. We talk about endings and how to recognize one coming from a mile away.

And now our chattering slows and our friend — who was listening intently and smiling and maybe remembering a person they don’t know anymore — will stop smiling so much. Our friend is familiar with dread, the way it sounds, how it creeps into our voices when we talk about our strangers. And a chill runs through us, through our friend, through the shade-cloaked backyard; it punctuates the abrupt conclusion …and that’s it, as if that could ever be ‘it,’ as if this story isn’t still unfolding this very moment as we sit here reciting it for entertainment or punishment or to remind ourselves that these kinds of things happen to people like us.

We talk about them hesitantly, tiptoeing around specifics and avoiding his name as though saying it aloud will resuscitate something better off dead, as though five random letters strung together in the correct order could summon the most lifeless parts of us. We talk about them in whispers, like making it difficult for our audience to hear our regrets will somehow make them easier to say. We talk about them cautiously, because we might get carried away and remember them like a human and not like a topic to avoid at dinner parties and birthday celebrations and other places where we’re supposed to be happy. When we talk about the people we no longer know, we do it timidly because we’re prone to remembering things better than they were, because we know we’re saying all of the right words to the wrong ears, because we never really knew our strangers to begin with — a truth our hearts can only acknowledge in the quietest and smallest of voices.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?"

Do take a moment to watch this short video. 

      When I am reminded of how Jesus, an innocent man, was nailed to the cross and died a horrible death, I am humbled down. This man, who Pilate couldn't even find fault in, sacrificed his life to save generations of people from the death of sin. He died so that people who He has not even met yet, could live. He was persecuted and hurt by the same people He thought of on the last few moments of His life.

But come to think of it, who are we that He thought of us? Who are we that He had called us friends? Who are we to deserve a love so pure and holy? Who are we that He invited us into His family?

Of all the love we will ever experience, only His is the one that will satisfy. His is the love that's more than enough. His is the love that has never fallen short, even when everyone else's love has. His is the only love that's unconditional, a love that never asks of too much but of mere love in return. His is the only love that's never ending. His is the love that doesn't change no matter how unworthy you are of it. His is the love that gives hope. His is the love that never fails. His is the love that never judges anyone. His love is a love that's pure. His is the love which puts everyone's best interest first. His is the love that can never be comprehended.

So in response to His love, what can we do to show OUR love for Him?

Live a life that's founded in love.
Do anything and everything out of your love for the Father.
Have a heart for His people because He loves His people.
Obey Him.
Surrender your life to Him because He gave up His for you.
Do not live in hypocrisy but in genuineness.
Worship Him not out of obligation but out of Love.
Reach out to the lost.
Walk in faith.
Share His word.

I can go on and on. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, just love God. It's all He asks of you.

The negative connotation to giving up

They say that when you're about to give up, you should remember the reason as to why you've been holding on in the first place. But what if that is the very reason you're letting go and giving up?

Know that giving up is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it's actually the best thing to do. In life, if we want to hold on to everything, we won't be able to move forward and grow. If we continue to hold on to the things that hold us down, we will be stagnant and stuck. This is the main reason why it's always good to reevaluate our lives; to set apart the things that are good and bad for us. It's good to filter and leave the extra unnecessary baggage behind. As if boarding a plane, when you bring too much you'd pay extra. You'd also find a hard time moving around because you always have so much baggage you're looking after and carrying around. It's a hassle and it's unhealthy.

What are the things that you should be giving up on? Give up on your vices. You know that they're no good for you. They will give you either a headache or a bigger problem; serious health issues. Instead of spending on too much alcohol and entrance fees to clubs and bars, spend them on buying books or on a good hearty meal. Feed your soul and your mind. Occasionally treating yourself to a bottle of wine or a night out with your friends is okay, but don't make it a lifestyle. If you want to age gracefully, take care of your health now. Prevention is after all, better than cure.

Give up on your unhealthy relationships. And by this I don't only mean romantic relationships. Give up on your friends that are only around when they need something from you. give up on friends that take advantage of you. Give up on friends that hurt you too much. Friendships should be shared by two people who would contribute to each other's growth. Friendships should not be a one way stream; both should benefit from it. Both people should be willing to make it work because friendships are also kept and maintained, like the grass in your lawn or your car that gets check ups. Besides, if friends don't help you with your growth and overall well being and if they just drag you down, they are not friends. They are leeches. They would just eventually suck the life out of you.

Give up your romantic relationships that aren't headed anywhere. If it's not a forever kind of thing (marriage or life time partnership), then you shouldn't waste your time investing in it anymore. If you're there just for the comfort and convenience or because s/he has become a part of your everyday routine, give it up. "Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, don't waste your time. There are many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them." Romantic relationships shouldn't just be about romance, it should also be about bringing out the best in each other.

Give up on your job that's turning you into a monster. You should find something that's worth your time and effort. If you don't love it, at least enjoy it. There are far more better things in life than to just be a slave of it. Do not live to work.

You only live once, make this life count. Life is already short, do not do things to unnecessarily hasten it.

Create friendships, meaningful enough to last and to withstand the test of time. And hold on to them.

Learn something new everyday. Live by the saying "the more you know, the more you do not know." take every opportunity to expand your soul.


And lastly, "Study [work] as of you've never studied [worked] before and pray as if everything depended on God." (Diokno, 2012).

So, what are you giving up today?

"Confession Re: Several Men I loved"

A repost from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/confessions-re-several-men-ive-loved/
by January Nelson


"Confession Re: Several Men I loved"

It’s been years since you moved and years since we’ve meant something to one another but I still frantically contact my closest friends whenever we pass each other on the street by chance. I’m inclined to believe that the way you continue to find me in this crowded city after all this time means something, even though I know better.

When I think about the You I used to know and the You that you’ve become, I know it would’ve never worked out. And of all my recurring thoughts, this is perhaps the most accidentally comforting.

Once, we sat side-by-side in a restaurant booth and I told you the song “Stuck in the Middle with You” reminded me of us; but when I tried to explain why and began to dissect the lyrics I learned the song is about superficiality and putting on airs and not about love — not about us — and felt lost for three or four minutes after that.

The day we shunned the sunlight and stayed in bed drinking beer and watching movies is still one of my favorite days, even if the memory is ancient and the people who experienced it no longer exist.

We ran into each other one Sunday morning years ago — you looked aged and unhappy and confused and I’ve been so worried about you ever since.

I wasted my favorite song on you; I wish I’d never heard it until after we stopped knowing each other.

If we met for the first time today, I would do everything differently.

The way you challenged me was so rare and rewarding that I’m afraid I’ll spend my future looking for someone who is half the person you are — and I’ll fail. The bar you’ve set is frighteningly high and when I look down from it, I feel nauseous.

My inability to hate you excites me more than it frightens me.

There is not enough anything between us to warrant a friendship, and I don’t feel bad about it.

I don’t have as much trouble remembering the good times we had together as I let on. Somehow, our breakup doesn’t have the power to overshadow what were pretty moments between two people who began and ended as strangers.

My friends couldn’t understand what I saw in you and while I can’t put my finger on it now, I can say with confidence that their constant disapproval couldn’t have dissuaded me back then. I’m not sure if this says something about how much I loved you or about how narrow and ignorant I can be when I want someone badly enough.

"A Letter To My Long-Distance Crush"

A Repost from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/a-letter-to-my-long-distance-crush/
by Mila Jaronier


A Letter To My Long-Distance Crush

et’s drink whiskey ginger ales all night. Let’s not even worry about what’s going on tomorrow, let’s not remember how old we are and let’s just get drunk on each other, get wide-eyed and get heart-shocked like we’re confiding our dreams in someone who gets it for the first time ever. Let’s be into each other like we’ve never been into anyone, let’s go extra fast like our nervous systems just did mega rails and let’s get more and more enamored of each other; let’s stay up all night talking ecstatically like everything’s new.

Let’s be honest, honest like we’ve never been. Let’s tell each other the truth about things, why not? The blunt horrible fat-legged truth is what really gets someone to like you, not those drippy approximations; no one falls in love with you until you show them some grit. Let’s lay down the secrets trapped under our skins, confessions and insecurities like we’ve never had the courage to describe. Let’s get into our first times having sex, let’s be honest it was terrible and yet we spent so much time trying to convince everyone it was magical, what the hell? No, life is ugly sometimes. Let’s accept that and feel lightened by it.

Let’s not compare. Let’s leave off our pasts, our sad relationships, leave the skeletons to crumble in the closet among the dusty wine bottles and moldy papers and let ourselves be each other’s ritual cleanse. Let’s not place each other next to the demons and superstars of our former selves and instead draw our outlines on separate canvases. Let’s stop carrying the past around desperately like the last sip of water in a desert, no one needs that; we hang onto it because we think we’re holding onto ourselves that way but really it’s just the lead weight of dead things we’re afraid to throw off.

I appreciate you; I want you to know that. I appreciate you for your eyesight: you don’t see only what things look like but what they represent; you see beauty in things, see them for what they really are not just what you project. You have this crazy ability to pin down the exact coincidental fragility of things that is just so. And you have this ability to see beauty in ugliness, or rather, to see ugliness — ugliness is just another type of beauty when your eyes aren’t all blurry, why doesn’t everyone know that? I have so much to learn from you.

I want you to hold my hand in the dark, shoulders touching. I want you to kiss me in the most intimate place you can kiss someone; kiss me on my palms or the insides of my wrists, where you let someone kiss you when you trust them. Let me hear your mellow heartbeat, let me take your glasses off your face when you fall asleep on top of Bret Easton Ellis. I want you to smooth my hair away from my face when my hands are covered in hot sauce and I can’t do it. You won’t need me to explain anything.

But these things won’t happen. I’ll never meet you, you’re too far away for these things to be real; I think I’m talking to myself again.

I’ll never have you, but maybe that’s better because I’ve idealized you in Shakespearean proportions: the thoughts, the words, the poetry; everything’s there but it isn’t. The bleary-eyed reality of it: the deep sad reality of miles and schedules and all the impossible money and what is there to do, really? There’s an organic mass in my heart soaked through with blood but it’s just radio waves. It’s enough to make you tired, realizing the unreachable vastness of your purest emotions you get crushed get complacent and give it up in favor of something you can hold.

At least this way we won’t wonder what would have happened if we met and it didn’t work out.