Last night, like any
other night, I lied awake on my bed thinking about us, or at least what used to
be. I thought about the what if’s, the what could’ve been’s and all the plans
that were seemingly flushed down the toilet when you decided to cheat on me. I
thought of how pathetic I felt on that day I caught you and how pathetic I feel
up until today. It’s been over two years but I still remember everything that
happened like it was yesterday, both the bad and the good of course.
Before, I felt
pathetic because I couldn’t accept the fact the you outwit me, the you outsmart
me, that you were able to hide all of those things from me and I didn’t even
see any of it coming. Today, I feel pathetic because I know that somehow, there’s
still a part of me that’s hurting whenever I am reminded of that part of the
past.
But I guess moving on
really takes time. When you gave almost
all of what you can give of yourself to a person, expect that you will get hurt
in almost the same gravity. And all that hurt doesn’t go away just like that.
Wounds take time to heal and scars take time to disappear. For some, moving on
is easy, for some it’s difficult but what’s important I guess is that you do it
in your own pace. Moving on is not a race of who between you and your ex can do
the moving on first, it’s a walkathon until you finally reach the finish line,
strong.
To move on, you have
to decide that you will. You have to recognize the necessary actions you have
to take, even if it means deactivating your facebook or closing down your
twitter. You have to make a conscious effort everyday to surrender you
heartaches to the universe. You have stop listening to sad love songs about
even sadder love stories. You have to know that it’s okay to cry but to mull and
sulk and wallow over it is different. You have to learn to differentiate pain
from the one you have self-inflicted. You have to learn that forgiveness is a
part of the process and moving on will only be genuine when you have already
forgiven. You have to learn that no matter how hard you try, some things are
not made to last.
And when you’ve
finally moved on, don’t think that all the feelings are already gone. Expect
that you’ll still smile or feel your heart jump when you remember him. Expect
that your sense of smell will still be attracted to the scent of the perfume he
used to wear. Your sense of taste will still remember your favourite dessert as
a couple. Your sense of touch will still feel him on your pillow case, at
certain nights. But don’t fret, remembering does not equate to vulnerability.
This is just your body’s way of reminding that you once upon a time, you took
the risk of giving your heart to someone else. It’s a reminder that you loved
and lost got broken but are now recovering. Moving on is a process, and
remember that it’s both a means and an end.
Treat your moving on
as a learning experience. Learn that life is beautiful even when your heart got
crushed into a million pieces. Learn that you shouldn’t give yourself a deadline as to when
you have supposedly forgotten what it was like to love him. Learn that he/they
will always be a part of who you once were. Learn that in the end, everything
was necessary and worthwhile.
The thing about
moving on is, you never really know when it truly has happened. It just does.
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