Washday Wednesdays

I have done nothing but read break up, let go and move on tagged notes on Thought Catalog last night and this morning and I can’t express enough how better I feel in spite of the depressing tones of each note. It’s like the sadness of each, bring me some sort of comfort and consolation. Maybe it does. Maybe it is consoling and comforting because it gives me a sense of affirmation knowing that I’m not alone. That somewhere, somehow, someone feels the same as I am at this very moment, even if not in the same gravity. Some may have it better and some may have it worse, but it’s a good cup of coffee and an ever better shot of positive espresso to me. It’s like, in a parallel universe, there’s me, heartbroken but definitely handling it better. It’s like in another world, maybe I’m not so broken as I’d like to think I am.

Is it pathetic to feel better reading sad novels and feel worse when reading happy ones?  Cause I kind of feel pathetic now. Especially that I’m writing this blog on MSWord because I can’t connect to Coffee Bean’s Wifi. But nevertheless, it’s also comforting, the sound of people talking and the grinder grinding the coffee beans, and the sound of jazz music in the not-so-background. I feel like those characters in the movies that are supposedly “artists” who sip coffee and write novels on their laptop in coffee shops, only I’m not writing a novel but a blog of how depressed I am.

I don’t exactly know what‘s causing this depression but I know quite a number of things that might have been contributing to my self-proclaimed distress. I think the first would be this new environment I’m trying to get used to. It’s awfully weird to be in the same campus but not having the same people to hang around with. It’s like I’m in my comfort zone but it’s not so comfortable after all. I miss my friends terribly but no amount of missing them would change the fact that we’ve already graduated and this is grad school now. Grad school is more mature and it emphasizes independence as the attribute you must possess and master.  It gets lonely sometimes, it really does, but you have to push past these feelings of loneliness and take them as something positive. It’s like all the independence you asked for in college being forced upon you and it feels like an overdose but you can’t complain about it because other than that there’s nothing you can do about it. I know it’s just the start and I’ll make new friends soon and it won’t be so bad… But now it’s like there’s nothing else to do but call in sad, like a sick day but instead a sad one. I’m trying hard but I guess I have to give it time; it’s only a week short of a month since school started anyway. I guess this is normal.

I also know that I miss my friends a lot. I miss how it’s their faces that greet me good morning 4 out of 7 days in week. I miss how we’re all going through the same thing every day and ranting about our stressful work is part of the everyday routine.  I miss having people around me who know that my smiles are fake and that my day isn’t going all too great even if it’s just a few hours young.

I also know that I want to be here, this is exactly where I hoped I would be a few years ago but I didn’t think it would feel like this.  I always thought everyday would be tense and nervous and intense and fierce but everyday feels like a marathon of how I met your mother. It’s like every day is a search for who “mother” is and it’s already the 7^th season and still her identity is unknown. Really Ted, why don’t you just reveal who she is? Does she even exist?

 I guess another thing would be you. I miss you and I don’t know how many blogs I’ve already written to express that. I know it would be counterproductive to try and bring back the friendship that we used to have but I at least want to try. I want to know how your day went and what troubles went your way. I want to know what achievement made your proud of yourself and what failure made you want to strive harder. I want to know what new word you learned today and what memory reminded you of the past. I want to be one of those who you primarily call to share your good news again, even if I’m not involved in it at all. I want to be the constant friend. I want to feel like I have the right to be in your life and not just some pedestrian crossing a street passing you by.  If anything I just want to know how you are. That’s all.

 After having consumed at least 16 oz. of coffee and 2 hours of trying to distract myself from academic work, which I’m obviously so good at, I think if not totally, I feel a bit better. My heart seems a tad heavier and I feel it thudding in haste, but I guess that’s just the cold cup of coffee I drowned myself with and in. I guess there are some days that being okay is not necessarily being happy but knowing that things aren’t perfect yet you try to make them better one day at a time. I guess there are times that being okay is after crying your heart and eyes out, even if doing so did not even significantly change anything. I’d like to believe that being okay is not solely being in the state of being problem free but just being okay. You know, you’re not happy but you’re not suicidal sad and it’s comforting that even after everything, you’re still alive. I guess being okay is about being alive, no matter what your general disposition is.