What I Want Now

It's 8:39 p.m. and I am currently at the library. It's the big day for us CRIM students tomorrow as we are having our first and last exam for the term. I am both nervous and excited for it and I can't wait for it to be over. Whatever the results may be, I know it's what I worked for and I will be accepting and proud of it.

But as I think of grave and less grave felonies and justifying circumstances, I'm also thinking of being beside the beach on a cool night listening to nothing but the sound of the waves crashing into the shore, in my hoodie and jamies. I want to be there, mind, soul and body. To find peace in the sound of the water, to find myself in the darkness of the night. To pull myself together, just before the second term of law school starts again. This is what I want.

If not in the beach, I'd want to be somewhere far from the hustle an bustle of the city. I want to be somewhere where the only noise I hear is from nature. The sound of crickets, of birds, of dogs and cats and what have you. I want to be some place where the only company I have is the company of myself, warm bed sheets and God.

I want to be away. I want to be away from it all. Even for a day. Even for just a day.

While my toes curl up from the coldness of the library and while I continue highlighting things on this do-it-yourself reviewer, I think of home and the peace it never fails to give me.

"What is YOUR idea of love?"

"What is your idea of love?" A friend of mine asked me this last night. We were talking about the romantic kind of love and I had a ready answer. "Love is a commitment. It's a choice you decide to make everyday." But what is it really you commit to? What is it really that you decide to choose everyday?

My kind of love is the kind of love that just doesn't involve your heart (emotions) but you brain (rationality) as well.

Love is a commitment. It is a commitment to fall in love everyday, to find reasons to when you are not. It is a commitment to love one person and one person alone for a period of time, maybe forever. To commit your time, energy, care and attention to the other person, unconditionally, even on bad days. It is a commitment to stay even when it's so much easier to leave. It is a commitment to love itself, to constantly search for truth about what it is. To know Love, you must know what it is and what it is not. This I think is the heart part.

It's a choice you decide to make everyday. And with that, you consciously make an effort everyday to choose to fulfill the commitments you have made the day you claimed the other person's heart. You choose to become their support system; you at least try to extend your patience and to expand your understanding even when you're all confused up there. But love them enough to choose to rebuke them when they have gone too far, and to help them get back on track. It is a choice to trust that person enough that s/he will do the same when you have gone overboard. Love is knowing that there are other people who will always be better at some things than your lover but choosing to look past those things because your partner's imperfections are exactly what you love about them. It is choosing to love them for who they are and who they are not. Love is accepting the fact that there are things that you cannot change about the person you love but choosing to still love them anyway.. This is the brain part.

Love is knowing that in a relationship, both parties are equally important. It is tending to your partners needs but not forgetting that you yourself have needs too.. It is important to never forget that to love doesn't mean losing yourself in the process of loving another person.. Taking care of the person you love means to take care of yourself too.. Give only what you can and always remember to leave something for yourself.. Never ever neglect yourself because when you do, one day you will end up having nothing more to give..

My kind of love is the kind of love that lasts.. the kind of love you work on.. the kind of love that needs dedication, trust and honesty.. My kind of love is facing giants together and talking about problems rather than just setting them aside.. My kind of love is forgiving but not forgetting.. Not forgetting what have once hurt your or the other person to prevent falling into that same situation again.. Not forgetting the lessons that came with the falling..

My kind of love is cooking pancakes in the morning, for no reason at all.. and maybe, for all the right reasons too.. :)

Ky

I Left My Key At Home

No better way to title this post than by saying what inspired me to write it. I left my key at home, and obviously, no one is home to open the door for me. It's 8:49 and I'm still in the Law library. This is a first as far as my stay in law school is concerned and I'm not even doing anything academic. What is this. Anyway, a few moments ago, I was with a few college friends. Before that, I was lonely-ly typing away and one of my blockmates came up to me and asked if a wanted a copy of the readings. I said yes. After he left, the friends that I was originally with started to tease him to me. P.S. that guy who asked me is FRIEND-ZONED. He literally is just my friend and no amount of love spell would turn that around. ANYWAY. So, these guys who were teasing me really just had to tease me again and defensively I had to say I liked someone else. Which was kind of the wrong move. Well anyway, what's done is done. So yeah, to make the long story short... I told them.. And I think that was more of a wrong move.. Now, I think the secret is unsafe.. Uhhhh ohhh...

Almost an Hour

She liked the sound of his voice
And how he sounded on her phone's receiver
She liked how he asked how her day was
And shared the going-on's of his

He liked it when she reads him poetry or brief sentimental encouraging quotes
"You comfort me" he says,
While his voice slowly fades into the background
"Sleeping now?" she asks,
"In a while" he answers
And a few moments of silence would follow after
And none of them ever minds the silence.
He remembers to ask her the same
"Sleeping soon?"
She nods and for a moment forgets he couldn't see her
"In a while" she says but she lied,
He was the only thing that kept her awake at night.
"You should go to sleep now, early day tomorrow sleepy."
"Mmm"
 She imagines him positioning himself better on the bed
"Goodnight?" she asks.. he doesn't answer..
"Hello?" she says, one too many times..
"I'm still here." he answers..

He never was.

Of Random Thoughts, Part II

My birthday is right around the corner and I have yet to know how I want to spend it. My dad has suggested to go visit my grand folks in the province, I think that would be a good idea too.

But what I really want is a picnic.. A picnic at 10 in the evening with nothing but coffee, biscuits and conversations about anything and everything under the moon.. I want it to be intimate, just a few friends, who, preferably, know each other so that conversations wouldn't be so hard to start.. I want to lie on the grass and watch the almost invisible stars and listen to the conversations of other people and get lost in my own infinity.. And a few seconds before midnight everyone remembers it's my birthday and it then becomes the subject of the moment.. And when the clock strikes 12 and the date is the 19th, everyone would greet me a happy birthday.. And everyone starts hugging me and then each other.. As if it was Christmas.. Or new year.. :) I like that scene..

I'm turning 20 this year.. Maybe I should do something different.. Maybe, I should skip it :)

Random Thoughts of a Sleep Deprived Mind

I read some of Margaret Atwood's literary works tonight and may I say, Variation on the Word Sleep is still my favorite. I learned about the poem through one of my very unconventional professors in college who seemed to have the last lines of the poem memorized by heart.

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."

how beautiful is that?

I'd like to believe that even the most secure people lay at night thinking and hoping that somewhere out there, someone actually needs them. I'd like to think that it is in human nature to want to be wanted and to be needed, but why? Is it another selfish and self absorbed thing? To want to be a necessity to someone? To want to be like the air others breathe, though unseen and though most of the time unappreciated, would always be necessary?

I always tell my friends that I'll stick around as long as I know I'm needed.. Why do I say this? I say this because I don't want to be a toy collecting dust at the shelf, without function. I don't want to take the space of other people who might be better fitting of that spot in your life. Remember Toy Story 3? When Andy was all grown up and was moving to college? Though he love his toys, he didn't need them anymore.. He let them go though he did not want to just because he knew that it would be better that the toys were played with by other children who needed them, rather than he keeping them but just storing them away in the attic..

I guess sometimes we have to distinguish what we want and what we need. And decide thereon which of them are the ones that really mean something.

I want to be like the air that inhabits you for a moment only..

I want to be in your life, even if for moments only.. I want to be the person you think of running to when the world is eating you alive.. I want to be the person you think of calling to share the good news.. I want to be the person you randomly think of when you come across something that you know I'd like.. Or wear.. Or say..

I would like to be that unnoticed..

Though we don't always talk and most of the time were in the background of each others' lives, I still want to be there..

And that necessary..

Because you still need me there..

--

Like that ancient teddy bear of yours.. Or that first ever journal you kept.. Or that shirt that will never fit you again but keep in the closet anyways..

Like that smile you wear even on the worst of days..

Ky.

"The Fault in Our Stars"

In more ways than one, I have found it easier to write on online blogs about private events in my life than to actually write them down on my extensive collection of journals here at home. I guess it's this charming thought of someone out there being able to read the blog and maybe being able to relate. And well, finding comfort in the thought that somewhere someone actually gets you and that you actually make sense besides to yourself.

(warning this may be a long one.)

Today was a pretty long day and honestly I couldn't wait until it was over but I guess it won't be until I get to finish that last digest I have which I put off too long already. I started reading this book with the same title as this blog which was refereed to me by a friend. It was 1:00 in the wee hours and I had nothing better to do.. No, actually I had a lot of better things to do but I didn't feel like doing them. I read page per page and I didn't want to stop until I realized it was already 2:30 in the morning and I have already read about 6 chapters. I had to go to sleep as I had to wake up at 7:30 in the morning for a 9:40 class.. And so I woke up and did my morning routine, except I skipped putting on eye-make up, I said I'd do it in the car. When I finally reached school, I realized that I have forgotten to bring the make-up kit which carried my eye-make up. I guess we were skipping I make up today. I guess, it was 'prophetic'.

I continued on reading the books throughout the day, during breaks and in-between's, and well the last class we had for the day. I cried but not as hard as I did when I read Dear John. I guess I was not in the place to wail and my body new that tears were enough to express the pain I felt for Hazel Grace (spoiler alert) at the loss of her great love. I finished it at a total of 6 hours and those were the best 6 hours of my day. I don't regret indulging in the book though I knew there again other better things to do.

I didn't have to read the book in order to realize that I need to be more thankful and appreciative of the things I have in my life but of course it helped. I actually want to learn to be more grateful about things, great or small because all these things have worked so well together that it actually continues to give meaning to my existence and to beautify life. Like for example, I want to learn to be more appreciative of the sun and how it brightens up the world everyday. That it never ceases to bring that ray of sunshine we all want and need somehow.

Today, I talked about him again with a couple of friends and I truly don't know what it is about him that makes him so appealing to me. And even though it seems like he hath forgotten my existence, I still hope to see him sometimes. Like this afternoon, and right before I left school. I was hoping I'd see him but I didn't. And just when I thought the world was yet again conspiring against me, I saw his car made that u-turn where he usually does and I smiled. I guess though the world is not a wishing factory which grants are wishes, it isn't the antagonist either.

It's my birthday in a couple of days and I still don't know what to do but what I do know is that I want a lot of hugs during my birthday and that I want to be with the people I love. I guess I'm sentimental like that.

Anyway, I wrote a long reply to Herber (my online friend from Texas, who's hispanic and is incidently cute too!) and i don't know what has gotten into me today that made me send all these long messages to random people about how I'm both happy and sad about recent events. I think I'm bi-polar like that. But I'm glad that God and life actually surrounded me with patient people and that they are always able to put up with my sentimentality and weirdness.

Yeah, I guess I just really needed to blabber about insignificant things.

See you around, stranger.

Of realizations in the shower

And suddenly the shower has ceased to be just a place of relief, comfort and relaxation. It has officially become a place where important life decisions are [well] thought of and made. It has become my place of solace and sanity and my own little personal space.

And mind you, I need my personal space... Especially in cramped areas like the Andrew Elevator where it's as if people don't even mind that other people are breathing down their necks and their faces are so far as an inch away from each other..

Going back.. Today, I made a decision in the shower and I realized what kind of woman I am and what sort of values I uphold.. I realized that despite my open mind and wide understanding of today's norms, I am still one of those conservatives..

Please don't think I'm trying to say that I'm a saint.. Or that I'm one of those women who have done nothing beyond what their parents expect of them. I have my fair share of faults and stupid mistakes and I guess these are the very things that molded me to become who I am today.

I have decided that even if the world is so tempting and that men are even more tempting, I will do all that I can in my power to stay intact. I realized that I respect myself enough to at least wait until I am truly ready. I will wait until the man worthy to share it with me comes. The man who in the same way would wait until I am ready. So much things in this world have lost its meaning, and I don't want the union to be one of those meaningless ventures. I want it to mean the world to the both of us.

Also, I don't want to give away myself to multiple men. I've already allowed myself to fool around with enough men to know that I don't want anymore fooling around. I am not the kind who finds it so easy to just sleep around. If he can't wait, then he isn't worthy. And in the same way if suddenly I can't wait, I do not deserve him.

This is not because the bible says that it's wrong to have pre-marital sex. Or because God says it is a sin. This is more than just what my religion and faith say. This is about me learning that no one will respect me if I don't respect myself. And that I should be the first person giving it to myself, before anyone else. This is me learning to be in control.. This is me learning to be thoughtful and mindful of both my decisions and actions..

This is because I want to be everything I hope it would be.. Special, meaningful.. And awkward :)

On the RH bill

Because I think it's about time I publicly confess my thoughts on the RH bill.. This is not to spite anyone or to gain recognition or praise.. This is just to share the possibly similar sentiments of some.. And because I am deeply saddened by the ignorance and the narrow-minded of some..

To set the record straight, I am a practicing Christian and I am very much pro-life.. I believe that abortion is murder unless it is necessary to save the life of the mother.. I believe that the act of sexual intercourse is sacred and should be shared by two people who are bound by law and their commitment before the church and God.. I believe that it should be shared by two people who love and respect each other enough to do it within the context of marriage and the blessing of God.. Because I believe that God is not against sex and reproduction, because He made those things.. But of course, He wants it to be done the right way.. Within the proper context and in the proper time..

So many things, words and actions both, have lost their meaning and essence in this liberal world.. Sex should not be one of them.. It should be shared by people who understand why they are doing it and know the meaning of this act..

So much about sex.. It's now time to talk bout the RH bill..

To set another record straight, with all things mentioned above, I am pro the RH Bill.. Why?

It is for the very fact that I am pro-life. Not just life but quality life.

We have to admit that there aren't much people who have the same ideals as us (those who believe in what I believe in). We have to admit that not everyone has the same lifestyles as us nor do they have the same faith.. This is precisely why the RH Bill should be approved..

The RH Bill gives the people a choice.. An access to information.. And mothers, the access to better maternal health care.. Never did the bill promote abortion.. In fact, it prevents unwanted pregnancies.. When there is no life conceived there is no life to kill.. This could mean less fetuses being thrown at trash cans and being flushed down the toilets of public comfort rooms.. Or at least they try.. When responsible and safe sex is practiced, less children, born into poverty, would be walking the streets asking for alms.. Less uncared for children would be roaming the streets deprived of education and other primary needs.. Bringing another life into this world which you say you weren't planning to, with you having no means to properly raise it and give it a home and shelter and education, is practically killing it.. You kill their childhood, their dreams, their freedom..

The Bill aims to educate the masses of responsible parenthood.. Which may instill values in these couples.. Especially the young ones.. It aims to facilitate the circulation of information on ways to protect the health of the people.. To prevent the further spread of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS.. To prevent deaths from these diseases..

As much as we see the negative in the bill, we should also look into the positive aspects of the bill.. What it aims to do and what it aims to achieve.. Who it aims to protect.. Let us not deprive other people of what they need just because we don't find the need for it. Let us not deprive quality life from those who cannot affor quality perse.

And lastly, I'd like to share what Sen. Pia Cayetano had to say about the Catholics being so against it.. (Rephrased) We cannot keep revising the bill to cater to the needs and demands of one religion.. (end) It is stated in the constitution that the government should not be biased against any religion nor should it favor any of them.. The laws should be created and passed to meet the needs of everyone and not just a specific group.. Everyone should have equal rights and protection under the law..


These are my opinion.. Feel free to share yours through the comment option.. But before you judge me, please know that I respect your dissenting opinions and I wish that you respect mine too.. Conflict is good, it brings out the best in everyone.. But please don't bash me or anyone who believes the same personally.. Like the famous saying goes "Condemn the act and not the person.." :)

Best,
Ky

Casual conversations with your past lover

I think the very word that would define my relationship with this certain someone is "Casual". We started out casually, agreed to be casual, had casual conversations as if they were a part of everyday teenagers' conversations, had an almost-casual break up, and now.. We ended up almost strangers, casually talking and walking by each other in halls and streets that used to be a part of who we were.. As casual lovers..

A few days ago, it felt right to send him a message which contained an apology and a request to just leave everything behind.. And so I did.. I sent the message and just like old times, we casually agreed upon leaving everything behind.. And we accepted each others' apology.. Just like that, because everything now feels so long ago and it would be awkward to act as if we were still affected by things that have happened between us.. And the other involved party.. I finally got the closure I wanted.. And it set me free.. It takes two courageous spirits to end what they started, with finality.. And I take pride in the fact that we were both humble enough to acknowledge our wrongs and ask for each others' forgiveness.. I guess we all have to grow up one day..

Yesterday, I finally had the time to attend youth church.. Youth church was where everything started and ended.. And started again.. Yesterday, fate played another game with us.. He brought us two together.. At first it felt iffy but as moments passed, it started to feel okay.. We were sitting on a couch, beside each other.. Talking about life and love.. And everything in else in between.. He brought up a part of the past, which I wish he didn't, like it was nothing.. And I couldn't help but just laugh in my head.. "I thought we already agreed on forgetting and leaving everything in the past.." I guess we can never be just friends.. Which is why it's really best that we don't be friends.. Just not yet.. When I was getting too into the moment, I felt that it was time to go.. I don't need anything to be stirred up again and I don't need anything to hold on to anymore.. It's lovely to look back at the good times but it's precisely those good times which make me want to already move forward..

These are moments I live for.. Moments of epiphanies and realizations.. Moments of finally letting go and learning that goodbye isn't always a bad thing.. These moments are what Nicholas sparks said to e moments of impacts.. Moments that change us.. Moments that stretch us.. Moments that allow us to grow.. And these moments of impacts are what makes us to be the persons we are destined to be.

Life is awesome :)

Ky

Of sentiments and anticipating my 20th

"I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you.. I was 19, call me.."

What better way to start this entry (besides quoting that awesome line from Tegan and Sara's, Nineteen) but by saying, My 19th year was the best year of my 19 years of existence! Well, as far as I can remember. I guess this year, which is soon coming to and end, was filled with too much memories that have and will always mark my life. This whole year changed me, a little retrofitting if you may. I developed new outlooks, and new dreams and took a hold on to a new direction.

I started the year with Samuel Joseph Marata bringing me cupcakes to my classroom with the whole class singing the happy birthday song. That, I will always remember. :)

I had the craziest 11/11/11.. The very day I realized that I really didn't want to go back and relive or re-do the past anymore.. Enough was enough.. :)

I met someone who changed my outlook in life.. I met someone who was the game changer.. but also placed me back in the game.. I met someone who made me realize that I can trust in people again.. But that didn't go too well..  Thankfully, in the same year, I learned to let that someone go too.. :)

I succeeded! Even when I thought I wouldn't, I did.. I graduated.. on time! :)

I got to fulfill a dream.. I got into law school.. :') In the same school which honed me and made me who I am today.. I am slowly learning the works.. Sooner or later, I'll be able to conquer.. :)

I got to check a lot of things off the bucket list, one of my favorites was getting inked.. Lulilu.. :)

I drove to somewhere far up north with my friends only.. It was liberating.. :)

And lastly.. I finally got the scoreboard out of the cupboards! :)

This year, I want to start it with a haircut.. A new look to sport for the new decade.. :) Cheers to growing up and growing old!