Chyeah to 2011!

(Because it's tradition.)

So I bid to you goodbye, 2011.

I honestly don't remember so much of my 2011, except for the summer and of course the last few months of it..

Well.. Here are some dates.. July 24, 2011. August 19, 2011. November 11, 2011. November 16, 2011. November 30, 2011. December 12, 2011. December 16, 2011.

Like every year, this year (from what I remember) was an emotional roller coaster.

This year was such a struggle when it came to matters like letting go, moving on and keeping it together. There have been so much breakdowns I couldn't keep track anymore but looking back, indeed they all made me better. Maybe, even.. Resilient.

Like last year, 2010, my birthday this year was really really really unforgettable. (oh you know, Marata holding cupcakes and singing you a happy birthday song.)

Some feuds were started this year.. some still left unresolved.. but if they were meant to stay that way, it's sad, but i'd let that be.. Though I still hope for reconciliation..

This year has also been such an adventure.. It is of so many things I didn't think I could do but ended up doing anyway.. My favorite? 800m Zipline Ride, suspended 150 ft in the air with the view of the beaut of the sea and the mountains..

I'd want to elaborate on everything.. but I won't.. I'd like to look back at this blog and think that 2011 was a good year.. Despite everything that has happened.. so to sum it all up, here's phrase I'd love to remember 2011 by..

I loved and I lost.. And I am soon to find..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's to 2011.. To heart breaks and friendships.. To adventures and lessons learned [the hard way].. To passion and compassion.. To living by love and failing and realizing it was all worth the risk.. To frustrations and dreams shattered.. To picking it all up again.. CHEERS!!! AND CHYEAH!!!

Father, thank you for giving me great adventures. Thank you for giving me great experiences with even greater lessons that come with it. Thank you that in You I find content and peace and though life isn't always kind, you always give me something to hold on to. Thank you Father for your perfect love, though I haven't always been perfect. Thank you Lord that I am Yours.

To Hazel and Thea, to making school more bearable, thank you. To making everything more bearable, actually. Many many many thanks. :')

To Ate Bea and our adventures of a lifetime. and our "oh you know's". Thank you!

To my DevStud buddies, for being there.. for being so passionate.. and compassionate.. and for being viral.. To everything.. Cheers!

To my dad and mom.. to the guidance and well up-bringing.. Thank you. I love you.

To the men who came, and left. and left a mark. Thank you.

To my Kuya who I've come to appreciate more this year.. I love you.

and to everyone else who was a part of this year, no one is a small part.. to all of you, thank you.. thank your for splatting some color to my rather black and white or somewhat grayscale life..

To love and how it broke my heart.. and well, put it back together again.. Here's to you! *Cheers*

Looking forward to a crazy 2012!

Pledge.

Because I have already lost some weight this year, I was planning to, well, take it a step higher. So this is my Health Pledge for next year. :)

- Less to no more Fastfood.

- No more carbonated drinks.

- No more crisps.

- Sleep early.

- Not miss breakfast.

- Drink more water.

- Get back to my jogging routine again.

I don't want it to be ambitious.. Cause I need it to be attainable :)

We found Love.

For the first time after everything that has happened,

I finally cried.. and it was for you and because of you..

And I may not really know how this story will end..

Know that anything and everything was nothing but true..

Stars

She was lying upside down with the stars as her view

She was wondering why her heart had skipped a beat or two..

Was it because of the beauty of the stars up above?

Or was it because she had seen the beauty of love?

He placed his palms over her eyes and asked if she still saw the lights

But in that moment it was not the stars but his light that shone bright..

She felt him there, just a few inches away

She had wished this was just not another of those days..

*breathes*

Her throat tightened..

and it made her grasp for air..

she felt a striking pain in her chest..

and she just had to breathe..

Inhale..

Exhale..

and the tears finally escaped her eyes..

and she didn't know whether it made her feel better..

sa madaling salita

Ako ay napapagod nang umasang may darating pa..

Ayoko nang umasa, ayoko na..

Status: It's really really complicated

So, I'm taking a few minutes off from academic work to sit still and blog for a little while.

I may give up on everything else but I will never give YOU up.

Honestly, I haven't been in the best condition lately. Everything that has been happening is seriously eating me up. There's only so much that I can handle and seriously, this year, I have reached my quota. I know I don't have the right to complain about the things that has been happening to me and around me but I seriously cannot take this anymore. I am too tired to function, too uninspired to dream and too dull to live. I have lost faith in life and the supposed "surprises" that it brings. I am tired of having to go through everyday with no bliss. I am tired of the same things. I am tired, period.

But know that no matter how tired I will ever be, I will never get tired of believing in my God. It's never easy to just hold on to Him and believe that He has a plan but that doesn't make Him any less of a God to me. I will never stop believing in Him. I will never stop worshiping Him, though circumstances would make it hard to do so. I will never doubt my God.

But I'm only human and I can only hold on to so much. I can only hope so much. I can only pray so much. I can only believe so much. I can only wait so much.

Lord, You are the God of my situations. Lord I pray that you just consume me. Consume me with Your love. Overwhelm me Lord. And Lord I pray that You'd be patient with me and that you won't get tired of holding on to me too. :(

Maaring bang sukuan nalang ang buhay? :(

"You are my joy"

[Edited, Updated and Reposted. Originally posted September 2010]

Unlike other "empowered" women who refuse to be housewives, had I been given a chance, I'd want to be a house wife to see my children grow up to be men and women of great faith.

I've always liked children, babies especially... and I've always dreamt of having my own. One of the things I'm really excited about is having children. I feel great love for my children-to-be, even though they aren't alive yet, I already love them... and I have great plans for them. As much as I know that God has greater and better plans for them, I still want to plan for them, I still want to dream for them... because they are my own and I love them more than I love anyone else, well except of course their father to be...

I want to have 3 beautiful children... I want to have 2 boys and a girl, but of course I leave it up to God to choose my children's (i'll use gender, though the proper term is sex) genders..

I know it's weird that I'm wanting to have children... I don't want them now, but I will definitely want to have them in the future...

I love names with Greek and Spanish origins which is why I chose names that have those origins.

My first born...

Boy:
Sky Alexandre, "Sky"

Meaning: The Protector of Men.

Girl:

Kaethe Alexandra

Meaning: Pure hearted, Defender of Men


My second born
If it turns out to be a boy...

Jacobo Tyler, the one who sacrfices to give.

If it turns out to be a girl...

Helena Blythe Beautiful light, bringer of happiness

My third born
If it turns out to be a boy..

Claud Gabriel, a strong hero for God

If it turns out to be a girl...

Olivia Antoinette, graceful beyond praise.

Oh how beautiful persons you will be... I can't wait to hold you in my arms and see you smile...

Imperfect but Faithful

I suddenly remember Big Mike or Michael as he preferred to be called of the movie, The Blind Side. He may not have had good SAT scores at first but from the results of that test they found that his protective instincts was his best asset.

I have never felt so strong about fighting and standing up for my mom until the recent events happened. When I saw my mom with her guards almost down and her eyes glossy from the tears that started to fill her eyes up, I suddenly felt a stab of pain in my heart. I wanted to cry too but I knew that I needed to be strong for her. The first thing that came to my mind was "I have to protect my mom" If not from those who try to hurt her, but at least from the pain that those people my bring upon her.

So I guess, there is a Big Mike in me..

Though we don't always agree on things and though we don't have the best mother-daughter relationship, I appreciate my mom more than anything in this world. She never gave up on us, her family, even when it meant she had to lose herself. She always tried to keep us together even when it felt more painful. She got me through high school and college having provided all my basic needs. She never stopped working for us. She never stopped trying. She never stopped loving.

I nor my mom may never be perfect in our faith and in our walk with God but we always make it a point that we remain faithful. We may not be the best examples of who Christians should be but we are always aware of how Christians should act. We may not always be right in our ways but we are always repentant and are willing to be corrected.

I will never allow anyone to hurt my mom with actions or with words. I will not tolerate judgement from anyone because they aren't with her everyday. I will not be silent when anyone calls her names. But know that I will not be a hypocrite and call them the same names. Rather, I will pray for them and speak blessings towards them. I am not against the antagonist but I am for the protagonist.

And even though I haven't been the best daughter, in this trial I will try to be at my best for my mom.

And in our imperfections are we made faithful.

Double Edged vs. Double Standards

Wikepedia, the free encyclopedia, gave me a pretty interesting definition of what a double standard means..

"A double standard is the unjust application of different sets of principles in similar situations."

When was the last time you compromised your faith to be able to enjoy something that you know isn't for you?

"It depends" isn't always the right answer to a question.. And it definitely isn't always up to the situation itself to deem itself right or wrong.. When was the last time you said something is right or wrong because you know it is and not because you think it was what the situation called for? "It depends" is a sign of double standards.

So.. Are you a double standard Christian? Have you been justifying your actions just because you think you are ahead of others in your race? Have you been compromising your faith or your values for the fear of being rejected? Or to actually fit in? Have you been unfaithful to your service for God and your Christian walk, living everyday with your fire unlit or burnt out but have not considered yourself a backslidder just because you arent "indulging in the ways of the world"?

You frown upon people who don't go to church.. But when you yourself skip church because you have something important waiting to be accomplished, you think your absence for church is justifiable..

Why have [some] Christians become a double standards Christian?

What makes you think that your sins are justifiable? What makes you think that your actions are okay while for the others it is not?

When was the last the you were a doubled-edged sword kind of Christian? When was the last time you cut through situations? When was the last time you made an impact and someone else's life so deep that it changed his life?

To be continued...

"[Words] live on, even when we're gone.."

"Sorry for being a jerk.."

"Sorry for taking advantage of you..."

"I will respect you.. and protect you.."

"Sorry for not being a man.."

"I'm sorry for the things I did that may have caused you pain.."
"I'm sorry for taking advantage of your weaknesses.."

"I will treat you like a princess because you deserve to be treated like one.."

"Sorry for not fighting for you.. But know na ipaglalaban na kita.. Kahit patayan pa.."

"Wag ka na umiyak.. Kung may panyo lang ako, ipapahiram ko sayo.."

These were some of the words my brothers in church told me today.. And for once in my life, I actually believed these apologies from guys.. Not that I don't believe in men anymore.. It's just that it's either they apologize for all the wrong reasons.. or they don't apologize at all..

And today, it was actually really heart-warming to hear these guys, who don't even have the slightest reasons to apologize to me, apologize in behalf of the men that have hurt me in the past.. Setting their pride aside for a few moments.. coming up with the right words and actually being sincere and genuine.. That actually takes a lot of guts.. *salute to the men in the making*

Iba pala talaga pag narinig mo mismo galing sa bibig ng isang tao ang mga salitang "Sorry" at "Please forgive me".

I've already forgiven these men even though not all of them asked for it.. But hearing those words actually made the forgiveness feel more real.. Right then and there, I saw their faces and heard them say the exact same words.. And that was more than I could wish for.. I may not get the apologies I want from the people I want to hear them from but I am now contented.. If they come, they'll come.. If they don't then they won't..

Thank you Father that nothing is an accident.. and that there really are reasons as to why things happen.. I know that you brought me to where I was a while ago because you wanted me to experience the freedom that came along with the forgiveness I released.. Thank you that you make things fall into place at the right times..

I wish you were there..

Love,
Starfire

I and my college friends went to ATC during the term break to supposedly go look for cheap finds. I and a friend ended up going to Artwork. They have these tanks that are light-weight cotton and white, and cheap so I decided that that was what I was getting for the day. We were looking at the different designs when we stumbled upon one that said "loving you from afar" and it actually got my attention. My friend teased and said that I should get that shirt, a little embarrassed, I defensively said "Di kaya!" and looked for a different design.. When the day ended, "Loving you from afar" was still stuck in my head.

In the last year, I haven't felt anything close to or resembling love. Well, except for him, I have not felt anything resembling romance for anyone else.. until...

When I so much as see even just a glimpse of him, my heart literally pounds so hard and my cheeks start to warm up and my hands start to tremble.. It's the exact feelings I'd imagine when I meet "the one". Not that I'm saying that he is the one or anything.. When he smiles, literally it's as if "my whole world stops and stares for a while". When he looks at me, or waves at me or says hi to me, my whole system panics, and my heart skips a beat or two.. or three.. And my facial muscles involuntarily moves and makes up a smile that lasts the whole day..

Why did you have to look at me the way you did that day? By the way, you made me the happiest girl on my special day.. :">

And though loving you from a far is all I can do right now, I'd rather love you this way than lose you forever :')

Some words of wisdom.

I think, after every fall, the most important thing besides standing up again is, learning or re-learning the lessons that come with each fall.

Often times, Love is the reason why people become martyrs and [sometimes] stupid like how Rizal supposedly died because of his love for his country. I think it's pretty ironic cause love is supposed to pull you up and not bring you down, well... the healthy kind of love that is...

Love, in any sense and in any form, should be a TWO way relationship and not just one.. Both parties should always be benefiting from it.. One should not be leech that sucks out the life of the other.. Both should feel loved and not used.. Both should put [as much as possible] equal amount of effort, love and time.. Although I think, this won't be as easy as I think it is..

Also, love and the people involved in it should always be faithful, when it calls for you to be faithful. Please do not take FAITHFULNESS in the wrong context. When a family member gets in trouble you do not keep him from the authorities because you think that that's what being faithful means, being faithful to me means keeping promises to fulfill your responsibilities, so in that sense you become faithful to that person and his well being by turning him in. Faithful means remaining loyal and true when you're together and when you're apart. Being faithful means keeping your promises and lastly being faithful means leaving a relationship because you can't keep your promises anymore, rather than staying although you know you're in it only because you think you're remaining faithful that way.

Which brings me to my third point. When you THINK you have fallen out of love, which I think is absurd because I THINK that you have just placed your love upon something or someone else, you shouldn't stay in the relationship you're in anymore because you will just end up being frustrated and you're partner and you of course hurt. DON'T CHEAT JUST LEAVE. Well, if you'd think of it, technically when you're starting to fall for someone else while you're in a relationship and you're actually acting upon it, you are already cheating. But if you're man enough or woman enough, you should just be honest with your partner, tell them the reason why you're leaving, give yourself time to move on before you jump into another relationship. It's called respect, more people should practice it.

I'd also want to talk about "Irreconcilable differences"and "conflicts that can't be resolved". No two people are and will ever be alike, so yes, they would always have differences but I believe that things can be talked about. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY as they always say. I think it's really important that from the beginning, people in a relationship, should communicate what they want, what their expectations are so that no one would say that they weren't aware, nor that they weren't informed. It's important to do this in the beginning so that one of them, or both of them could still decide whether to stay or to back out. It's better to leave in the beginning than to leave in the middle when you've realized that you can't live up to what you've signed up for. Also, I think it's good when people in conflict talk, of course when they have allowed their heads to cool down. Talking resolves at least some stuff because both parties can decide what they actions they want to take after. (both for friends and lovers)

Love should not be compromised and Happiness should not be compromised either. But people should compromise as to agree upon a common ground so that both would be satisfied.

These are just a few things that I'd want to share to those who might stumble upon my blog. I know that you might already know these, but it's always good to be reminded :)

happy reading.

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds"

I wouldn't ask for life to be kind, rather, I'd ask that I be strong enough to endure it.

I had an epiphany today and it made the end of this term right.

I think I have become too comfortable with Dev. Stud (my course) that God decided to shake me this term. When I started majoring, I was so motivated and I was so excited. I worked hard for every presentation, I read through every reading thoroughly and paid attention to every detail, I did every requirement with excellence (not to brag) and then.. I became too relaxed.. I thought I was good at what I was doing, I became proud, my work became mediocre and I became one of the average students.. When I know I have more to offer than mediocrity..

This term was the hardest term I've ever gone through of my 2 years in college.. It was both a struggle and a challenge, physically, mentally and emotionally. It was a test of faith, patience, strength and of character.. Time and time again, God reminded me that I could not do anything on my own, it's a good thing He and the friends He has blessed me with stuck it out with me through out the whole term..

It was truly a humbling experience, everything that I went through.. God reminded me how it's like to have child like faith.. how it's good to admit that you don't know and how it's good to admit that "the more you know, the more you don't know." He reminded that me that I should not depend on my own strength rather I should depend on Him because it's only through Him that I'd be victorious.. And so I am.. Today I (almost) finished this term in triumph..

Whatever marks I get for this term, I know that it's what I deserve.. I know that it's what I worked for.. I may not get the grades I desire but I know that my grades are not a reflection of how much I've learned during the term because I know that I've learned so much and so much does not only encompass "head knowledge"..

I am excited for next term! I'm excited to work with my group mates again and I'm excited to learn new stuff again. Last 2 terms! (this blog is making me too nostalgic)

101st thought!

I can't believe I already have 100 blog entries up! And it's been almost a year since I put up this blog! Oh blogger, you've been good to me! Cheers to life and online journals!

Moving on...

As I have.. or so I'd like to think.. oh, humor humor..

So, the past few weeks have given me sporadic [rage] blackouts and semi-permanent migraines and worst, a very very very moody body clock. I feel sleepy at the oddest times of day and awake during the most awkward times at night. And yes, this has caused me fluctuating emotions, a very indecisive mind and awkward breakdowns about the weirdest of things.

So lately the drama queen in me decided that she would not hope to get married anymore. HAHA. It's sort of ironic when I'm the kind of girl that plans her future [husband included] since she was 8. But yes, as of today (8/14/11) I do not expect to marry.

BUT PLEASE DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I don't mean to close doors to any guy who's brave enough to ask me to marry him. All I want to say is that, I don't want to expect anymore. Neutral ground, safe ground to be more precise. If he comes, then good, if he wont then so be it. :) Besides, his absence will not stop me from adopting pretty children :)

so yes, as of today I am contended with God's love which is more than what I could ever ask for :)

Nineteen Random Things About, Yours Truly

Because I am too excited for my birthday, I'm celebrating everyday until I reach my birthday and since today marks the last ten days of my 18th year, I'd write a blog about 19 random things about me. :)

1. I am Christian. I love God and I value my relationship with Him above anything else.

2. I am a Lasallian.

3. I am 5'6 in height and I have my feet are sized 9-10. haha!
4. I like the colors; teal blue, mustard yellow, mint green and old rose.

5. I like pasta. It's the one thing I can eat everyday for the rest of my life. (of course with different kinds of sauces)

6. I like smelling/touching my loved ones' underarms. (haha!)
7. The first few things I notice [physically] in the male species are his hair, his eyes, his lips and his neck.

8. My feet and my neck are my favorite parts of my body. My feet receive most pampering.

9. I've had four relationships but only one was serious.

10. I dream to be in a rock band. not the vocalist, although I can be back up.

11. I play the bass, a little of the guitar and a little of the cajon. :)

12. I desire to learn how to play the drums but my lack of hand-leg coordination impedes this.

13. I am a frustrated artist. I want to paint, I want to sketch.. I want to be a landscape artist, an architect, a fashion designer, a fashion consultant, lalala..

14. My favorite numbers are; 8, I don't know why. 19, because it's my birthdate. 16, because it's my uaap favorite player's jersey number and 24, for some reason I've learned to love it.

15. My GREATEST desire is to be able to travel to GREECE. not just Santorini, but the whole of it. Athens, Crete.. The whole Island!

16. I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I am flexible but I'm not good at any particular anything. Haha!

17. Hello Kitty disturbs me. I am not a fan, at all.

18. Had I been the richest person in the world, I'd put up and orphanage, a home for the aged, and I'd grant a lot students college scholarships at private schools!

19. I am a worshipper. I live to worship Jesus.

There, I hope that introduced something new about me to you :)

string of words

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPruJJy8q2k

"Natutupad na yung mga plano natin noon. Mag lalaw ka habang mag (insert career here) ako."

Yeah, maybe our own plans are in the process of fulfillment. but what about the "natin" part?

more than a zodiac sign, Leo.

still a strong desire

of my heart to be

together.

in the future.

to be the one you

say good morning to

and the last person

you talk to

at night.

to be the one you

proudly hold

hands with

at the streets

of this city.

maybe one day

we can still be

together

at the end of the

day

you're all that

matters, to me.

without a fight

it doesn’t take too long
to find something that would remind me of you
when i walk downtown to the place we first met
i feel the same feeling when i first set my eyes on you

i can’t believe that it has almost been a year
when everything seems and feels like yesterday
today I love you no less than I did before,
but no more than I will tomorrow

i want you to know, I won’t let you go without a fight
I won’t let this go even for a night
because you’re everything I think I need in this life
and you’re more than any wish I could make on a star

our love won’t need to be perfect in any sense
but as long as i’m with you, everything seems to feel right
things may not be easy and the rains may do us wrong
but i’ll fight my best to keep us strong

i don’t have much to offer
all i have is forever
believe me i’ll hold on to a forever
as long as it’s you and I together

10:30 p.m.
July 23, 2011
© (Ky)Media, written by Kelsey O. Mendoza

Had I been given the chance to live the "Superficial" life..

I'd live in the OC California where I can surf all day, everyday, if I wanted to. Of course that means, I'd have mad skills in surfing. Maybe, I'd be joining a few surf contests here and there, but I'd mainly surf because it's my passion.

I'd also be part of a band, that performs in a local small time bar.. And my bandmates would be people I hang out with, everyday.. One of them would most probably have a garage where we would practice our jam whenever we needed to, or wanted to..

I wouldn't wish to be part of the honors class, though I'd like to pursue a different career. Maybe, had I lived the superficial life, I'd be an artist. A photographer, a painter, a fashion designer, and a landscape artist. Well, of course I'd have to focus on one career path, but It'll surely run along those lines..

I'd have, dirty blonde hair, that's beach hair looking everyday.. I'd have a rosy tan I'd wear all year round.. I'd be around 5 foot 7 inches, and I'd definitely have LONGER legs.. and a firmer pair of arms..

My boyfriend.. won't be part of my band.. but I'd love him to be my surf buddy.. he'd be an athlete, maybe a soccer player or a tennis player.. He'd be smart and we'd have good conversations and not empty ones.. and he'd have arms that would keep me safe.. he'd be a few inches taller than me so that I wouldn't be kept from wearing heels..

so yes, this is my superficial life.. aha!

a good grasp.

All should be reminded to grasp the language they are most comfortable with. Though we are encouraged to express ourselves in ways we ourselves have chosen, we should still be reminded that we should always come up with things that are understood.. and.. well, sensible..

Communication is a two way stream.. well, in one way or another.. and it is very much necessary to establish something.. So, if we do want to establish what we mean to say, we should always make it a point that our thoughts and constructions are coherent and cohesive.. and of course, sensible..

Kung mas komportable ka sa sarili mong wika, mas mainam pang ito nalang ang gamitin mo..

But if you feel like you are more comfortable with the universal language, make sure you have a good grasp of it..

Cheers!

P.S. Reading helps.

People should be aware.

The problem with [most] people nowadays is that they think that everything is about them. I'm sorry to burst your bubble but THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. So please do not assume anything. ASSURE not ASSUME.

When a status or a text or an entry [or anything else for that matter] seems to speak to you, do not be hasty to think it is about you or it is for you because most often than not, it is not for you. It would usually be something generic that acted like a stone and hit you right in your gut. BUT even if you THINK that it is for YOU, it is never safe to assume that it is for you. If you want to clear things up, confront and assure and don't react back and act all guilty. You bring the negative upon yourself and by reacting to the parinig just makes you guilty of it.

Piece of advice, the next time you see something that seems as if it were for you, ASSURE and not ASSUME. Kasi ikaw lang yung nagmumukhang tanga.

Bato bato sa langit, tamaan hindi umilag. Bato bato sa langit tamaan at mag react guilty.

Today and everyday..

Starting today, I will make a conscious effort to let go.. I will let go, everyday, until I genuinely have.. I will let go of the things that are hindering me from growing.. I will let go of the baggage that's keeping me from moving on and moving forward..

Today, I will stop asking questions which I know wouldn't really have answers.. I will stop asking questions that I know already have answers but just won't accept.. Today I will just be at peace with God's answers even if His answers aren't the answers I want.. Today, the peace that was stolen away by those questions I will slowly regain through God's peace.. And today I know He will grant me not only peace of mind but peace in my heart..

I will start living today and I will leave the past behind.. The past has gone and today and tomorrow has yet to come.. I will not let my past dictate my future.. I will not let my past discourage me.. I will not let my past tell me what I can and cannot do.. I will look forward to tomorrow, everyday and forget whatever the past was.. Today I will let go of the past and hold on to tomorrow, a tomorrow filled with hope, dreams and inspirations..

Today I will help myself.. I will stop inflicting pains on myself.. I will quit with the self-pity.. I will stop complaining that life is hard.. I will stop thinking that life is unfair to me.. Today I choose to be healed.. I choose to make a conscious effort to allow myself to be healed..

Today, I will fall in love and I will stay in love with the one who loved me first.. I will find reasons to fall in love with Him everyday.. I will fall in love with the beauty of nature, with the preciousness of time, with the truth of His word and with the enigmatic future.. I will search and I will find the true meaning of love, through Him..

Today, I will live a life that is full.. I will not settle to be second best nor will I settle for second best.. I will live beyond mediocrity.. I will not be satisfied.. I will not be contented, until it is the best..

Today, I will live my life..

The desires of my heart..

or better yet, the desire of my heart..

I desire to travel the world.. Wanderlust if I may.. I would love to travel around my country.. and then the continent.. and then? Conquer the world.. I'd love to see sunsets in the different areas of the world.. I'd love to feel the sand on different islands.. I'd love to see how it's like on the other side of the planet..

I wish to take pictures, many of them.. I wish to buy souvenirs and stick them up on my wall.. I wish to buy a map and mark an x on every place I've been to.. And leave a part of me in every place..

I wish to find myself too..

Wanderlust.. to infinity..

"When a stargirl cries, she sheds not tears but light."

"Our hearts yearn backward. We long to be found, hoping our searchers have not given up and gone home. But I no longer hope to be found. Do not follow me! Let's just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I'll be me, today and today and today, and let's trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies! "

I guess there are just some things you grow out of...

Like the feeling of the need to belong. I guess it's human nature to want to feel like they belong.. But I think it's just a phase in life..

Am I that old? Cause I don't think so.. I'm fairly young.. But I think this way..

Anyways.. A few days ago I realized that the saying "No man is an island" isn't always necessarily applicable. Of course man cannot survive life alone, but they don't always have to be with someone 24/7. They don't always have to belong to a group, or a clique because sometimes, they themselves prefer to be alone..

Take for example.. Myself (haha). There are just those days that I prefer being alone.. My anti-social me, I guess.. And I'm over the "I wanna be part of your group" phase.. If they want me in, okay.. If they don't, still okay.. I won't take it against you.. I have accepted the fact that there are just some people that you have common interests with and some people that you don't.. And you're still friends with them.. And you still value their friendship but you don't have to be a part of their group.. You'll live..

I'll live.. :)

butter and syrup, and the lack thereof.

She was wearing her usual work clothes; a denim jumper that was already worn out and a stripped tank that showed her beautifully sculpted arms. She tied her hair in a bun today, she usually keeps it down but it was also an unusually hot day considering it was almost Christmas.

"A little more.. just a little more.." she said to herself while painting on the last few details of the portrait she had been trying to finish for weeks now. Impatient, she dropped her brush and buried her face in her palms. "Why can't I just get this over with?" she said with a grunt and again gave out another grunt for the double entendre that hid behind the statement.

***

She finally finished the masterpiece she vigorously stressed on for weeks, a little over her expected time frame. She looked around and searched for the cloth she had specifically chosen to cover the portrait but she couldn't find it anywhere. ring. The phone rang. Once, twice, a few more times, but she just ignored it until it finally stopped ringing. She looked around a few more times but her studio was just too much of a mess to actually scavenge for the white Georgette cloth which practically looked like every other tarpaulin in that studio. "I give up..." She murmured with a sigh.

***

It was rather sunny the next morning though the air was still a bit chilly. The streets were empty but the shops were still business-as-usual. She thought of dressing up as she was most often than not dressed down. The day was in need of fashionable people, she felt, so she dressed for the occasion or rather, the holiday season. She wore a beige cashmere sweater with light washed jeans and a pair of brown lace-up boots. Over it she wore a red trench coat and a faded gray beanie, and a cherry chapstick didn't hurt too. She felt good, and she looked good too. It was time to finally get out of the house and this was the look she wanted to announce to the world.

(to be continued.)

Sa Piling Niya

Ngayon na ang huling paalam
Sayo aking mahal sa ting nakaraan

Ibibigay sayo ang kailangan mo
Mula ngayon ikay malaya na..malaya na..

Hindi na maibabalik ang
Dating masayang pagsasama
Mahirap nang pilitin pa
Ngayon ikay handa ko nang palayain

Tangi kong dasal
Ang ikay lumigaya sa piling nya
Di ako hahadlang
Sa inyong pagmamahalan
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/paramita/sa_piling_niya.html ]
Di umimik,
Dumadaing ng palihim.
Mahal pa rin kita
Hindi mo ba nadidinig
Ang puso kong naninimdim
O giliw ko, akoy para lang sa iyo

Unti unti ko nang
Nalilimutan ang ating
Makulay na nakaraan
Ang aking tanging bilin sayo
Alalahanin mong ikaw at ako

O paalam na sa ting dal'wa,
Ang iyong huling ngiti
Ang nasa aking alaala..

tomorrow will be exactly one year since the break up.. And this will be my last blog about him.. and us.. This I promise and owe myself.. This will definitely be the last goodbye, to him.. to us..

I've said everything there is to say.. I've cried all the tears.. And tomorrow, will be a new start to everything.. :)

A rusty collection of useless trophies...

Okay.. so this isn't a blog to brag.. or maybe it is.. but because of this afternoon's experience, I felt like blogging about them.. yes, them..

I had a lot of "relationships" in the past. Of course, all of them childish except one. And after the last one, I realized that they were all "trophies".

I call them rusty and useless cause I don't see them as shiny and priceless anymore.. Only trophies on display on a shelf that may not even be noticeable to the [layman's] eye.

They were once all that.. But I realize, in the real world, it doesn't matter "what you did" or "what your name is" but who you are and what you can do..

So anyway.. here they are..

i. The Classroom Crush-ng-Bayan, the most popular guy in class, the athlete.

a.k.a. The first love.

ii. The Campus Crush. One of the most popular guys in campus.

iii. The Bully. The leader of the popular guys of his batch. The athlete. The rich kid.

iv. The MVP. One of the most popular seniors. The extracurricular achiever.

v. The number 1 tennis player of his age range (and over) of the province.

vi. The worship leader. The pastor's son. The crush ng bayan. The musician.

but in the end.. well yes.. they were just as good as their tittles were..

"Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes..."

Thinking Of You - Katy Perry by PaigeOdonovan

"He kissed my lips I taste your mouth. He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself. Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you. Thinking of you, what you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes.. You're the best and yes I do regret how I could let myself let you go. Now the lesson's learned I touched it I was burned Oh I think you should know."

uncomfy pretty heels

"What can I say? I'm substance over style."

unfortunately untrue for me tonight. *puts on a straight face*. It was [finally] Thea's debut tonight. It's always fun to be around my blockmates; they're always the reason why I enjoy parties. Tonight was rather... awkward... I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't really been around them in a long time.. I miss the barkada though..

Iba kami eh.

I find Rich and Casey really cute together. They're just so at home with one another. Maybe it's because they've been together for more than 2 years now. They're just so cute, I can't even imagine how they fight. They don't act like lovers, although with their body language you know they are. Both families know they're together, and they too are comfortable with that. They hang around Casey's house, they cook, watch movies, pet the dogs, study and well.. I assume they do a lot more..

That's the kind of relationship I want. The kind where we're not possessive of one another. The kind where we're not childish and jealous. The kind where we don't have to be all cheesy all the time but still feel each other's love. The mature kind of love. That's the love and relationship I want.

Okay lang yan Kyle.

I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I already have a lot to handle (both men and well, other things). Although it would be a good addition to the factor. I wish I experienced attending a debut with a plus one. I wish I experienced that "pwede ko ba dalin si..." kind of moments.. But oh well.. There are still loads of time for that.. I'm my own boyfriend for now.. And im sorta kinda somewhat, enjoying.. :')

Ky.

love, summer.

so long sweet summer.

it's been a while since I've last blogged and the last one I made was even sentimental.. maybe a little too sentimental.. but since then I couldn't find anything exciting or at least meaningful to blog about.. Until I realized summer, my all time favorite season, has come to an end..

i hate saying goodbye.. even to a season..

summer is always lovely.. mini-reunions.. unlimited sleep.. and food.. endless all nighters.. sun burns.. the beach.. getting a tan.. and of course, so much more.. summer is always a beginning of new hope (at least for me) and fulfilled mini dreams.. summer is always a getaway from painful reality.. summer is always an adventure.. and somehow.. a disappointment..

they say the best love stories happen during the summer.. i find my love story during the summer.. the one with myself.. and the one with the Man Above.. and they really are the best love stories..

what more can I say?

Summer really is one of the best things that happens for me.

♥

"We'll love again, just not each other..."

It's a quarter till eleven in the evening.. i got out of bed because I couldn't sleep.. I know my friends are most prolly tired of all my stories and all my ranting.. I wanted to talk to our counselor at school but I'm too shy to do that.. So what better way to rant than to put it up on this defenseless blog? I guess none..

around 4 years ago, I met a guy who I never thought I'd give my life to.. seriously, seeing him and knowing my standards.. never did I think that I would fall so hard for him.. I met him at the church I was newly attending that time.. he was my friend's friend and the first conversation we had was a joke I wanted to share and his impression of me that he wanted to share.. I don't really remember how we became close.. but I know that that was where it all started..

we started texting and hanging out after that.. we hung out a lot.. at church.. after church.. outside church.. at his school.. at the park.. at my friends house.. ok.. you get it.. and little by little his annoying-ness became more and more bearable and his company became more and more enjoyable..

January 2008.. that was the time I knew that I was starting to like him.. he was flirty.. and I had the idea that I wasn't the only girl he was sweet to.. but we spent a lot of time together.. and to me, that was all that mattered.. summer 2008, he asked me to do him a favor.. since I was out of school and I had a lot of time to spare, I agreed to his favor.. and that favor involved a lot of time together.. he went to my house almost everyday.. and of course, you would know what would come after that..

August 16, 2008.. I finally admitted to myself that I was starting to fall in love with him.. every aspect of him suddenly became so likable.. from his messy hair to his rugged look to his husky voice and his flirty personality.. suddenly I liked talking to him on the phone.. suddenly I wanted to see him everyday.. how did I realize these feelings? It was my 16th birthday celebration.. and I felt jealous of a girl he paid more attention to than me.. then it hit me.. I was indeed slowly but surely falling for this guy..

August 19, 2008.. Our first kiss.. and it was the best thing that happened between the two of us.. we had shared something so special.. I knew I wanted him.. and I wanted him to know that too.. I couldn't even take the smile of my face that night.. I will always remember that feeling I felt.. I will always remember everything about that night..

October 2008.. He finally said he loved me.. and he wasn't sure of whatever may happen but what he knew was the "now". that he loved me.. and we'll figure things out.. but we'll start slowly.. and we'll make people know.. soon..

January 2009.. we got d.a.-ed.. and it was the hardest thing we had to go through.. and the hardest times of our relationship..

Summer 2009.. Was the most painful of the six months.. we were so far away from each other.. and we couldnt even talk.. and we didn't know what was happening with each other.. so we decided to just screw the rest of the world and talk.. we talked almost everyday.. till the sun rose.. we talked about how our days were going.. we talked about how we missed each other.. how much we loved each other.. and that we have a few more months left till everything can be back to normal again..

August 19, 2009.. Happy Anniversary :') i didn't think we'd last a year long but we did.. :') and we took our relationship up a notch.. to a whole new level.. and that's something i will never regret.. :')

December 19, 2009.. Our first break up.. I wanted you to focus on ministry.. It broke my heart to have to spend christmas like that..

January 2010.. we got back together :') I was so happy..

May 2010.. I came back from Palawan.. and that whole summer, all we did was fight.. we fought until we got tired of fighting.. I found out about you and her.. it broke my heart even more..

June 6 2010.. Half my heart died.. I could not even grasp the reality that it was all over.. I died everyday.. each part of my body aching in response of what my heart was feeling.. I cried every night after that night.. I cried until I could not cry anymore.. I cried until my tears dried up.. I cried until I fell asleep at night.. I thought it would never end..

December 2010.. The last goodbye..

If you're wondering what ever happened between me and him? Well, we're friends.. or at least were casual.. he's happy with someone else.. and I'm happy with what I got.. I don't regret anything and everything.. never will I.. he was and will always be someone that contributed so much to my life.. he will always be that man who stole my heart.. he will always be that man who taught me how to love.. and love for real.. he will always be that man who taught me that love is about giving.. and knowing what will make that person happy.. and giving that to him, even though it will break your heart.. he will always be the man who made me realize the things I want in life.. he will always be a part of who I am.. like a scar.. a healed wound.. but left a mark to remind me the lessons I will always hold on to..

Joshua.. those were 2 beautiful years.. I have never and will never ever forget all of the things we shared.. :') though I'd like to hate you.. at the end of the day I don't.. because though I am not in love with you anymore.. I still love you.. :') always have.. and always will..

(ky)

"Time to tell me the truth..."

Between the lines by issy002

i think.. maybe.. i still don't have my peace of mind..

i think.. maybe.. i still want the answers to my questions.. to the questions that were left hanging..

i think.. maybe.. i still haven't completely recovered..

Eat. Pray. Love. and my own addition to the list, Rest.

I was really inspired by the movie Eat.Pray.Love which starred the lovely Julia Roberts.. I could really relate with her and I loved everything that she did. I know I'm too young to be thinking of "finding myself" but one of my taglines in life is "live life, soul search and find bliss", and that's basically why I'll be doing Eat.Pray.Love. but, with the addition of rest. so that's Eat.Pray.Love.Rest.

Here's what I plan to do when I do my sight-seeing, adventure-seeking, memory-making trip..

Eat.

I plan to do this in the beautiful countryside of Florence, Italy. I saw this beautiful unconventional inn that instantly captured my heart, Casa Palmira. ♥

Not only eating my heart out with all the beautiful historical sites and delicious delicacies, but admiring the beauty of nature in the other side of the world..

Pray.

I'm still thinking where I should do this part of the trip. I was thinking either Israel or a Zen temple in China. I'll get back to you on that. ;)

Love.

My love will definitely and without question be in Greece. I've been dreaming to visit Greece and what better way to fulfill the life long dream by visiting it with a reason? To find love. I plan to stay in Crete, an island and not on the mainland of Greece. I found this really pretty place called Veneto Exclusive Suites.

Since Crete is a separate island from Greece Mainland, I just plan to take the ferry to Santorini and Athens.. I just can't wait! I see the beaches in Greece are lovely too! I won't let the chance of diving into the blue waters pass!

I cant wait!

Rest.

Rest would definitely be in Bali, Indonesia.. Where there are beautiful beaches and kind people..

To believe is to hold on, and to have faith is to let go..

Today I realized that there are just some things in life that no matter how hard we try to be successful at, we just can't seem to be.. Like pleasing your parents, or meeting the expectations of people around you, or your expectations of yourself, or finding the right pair of shoes that fit snugly on your feet but won't give you blisters at the end of a long and tiring day..

Today I learned that twice in a row, I have failed to meet the expectations of my Philo prof of me.. No matter how I try, i just can't seem to please her.. I prepare for the exam and answer my heart out but end up being disappointed of myself because I just couldn't make it..

I don't want to fail my parents.. I don't want to fail.. I've never failed..

Which is why I'll do whatever there is left to do.. which is basically.. review my hardest and answer my heart out again.. and after everything, cross my fingers and pray to God that hopefully that was enough to at least gain an uno..

My prof says to believe is to hold on and to have faith is to let go.. and today I will just have faith that God will give me what I deserve.. Today, I will just let go of whatever may happen.. Like the cliche goes, I will do my best and let God do the rest.. My God is a just God, and He will give me what I deserve.. If I deserve a failing mark, then so be it.. If I deserve otherwise then Praise God.. But I just choose to trust Him and let go everything else..

As cliche and as overused as it is..

Hi Baby!

Okay, that was cheesy.. I know! But hey, no matter how outdated, overused and cliche "baby" is, that's still what I'm gonna call you.. You know why? Cause you are my baby.. I will take care of you and I will love you and I will protect you as much as I can, for the rest of my life.. As long as I can.. I really love you, I can feel it in my heart.. I may not have met you yet but I feel like I have already once laid my eyes on you.. and maybe during that moment, my heart stop beating.. cause it knew it was it's other half..

I seriously cannot wait for that moment when I get to hold your hand.. Although of course, I do not have any other option but to wait.. I cannot imagine how happy I'll be when I say my first I love you too.. I can't even help myself from smiling at the thought of calling you mine.. my forever..

You can expect a big warm hug the day you make me yours, but know that from day one I have been wanting too.. i can imagine that smile you'll have that will have stolen my heart.. and that smile will keep me smiling..

I miss you.. and I don't know what's taking you so long.. but like how the saying goes "The longer you wait for something, the more you learn to appreciate it.." and that's what I'm learning now.. I'm learning to appreciate this time apart.. learning to appreciate this time apart.. learning to love you more and of course learning to love myself in the process too..

Till that day that are eyes meet, and our hearts too..

I love you,

Kyle.

long drives and demo tapes.

today was a good day, besides the fact that we had to wait for mr. congressman for 2 freakin hours.

Jim was such a good companion today, he kept the awkward silences from happening. He always had something to say and it was either funny or funny, haha. Learned a lot about him today, and well a lot about other things l too..

Mr. Congressman was a good man, I liked him. We need more politicians like him. He was driven and was development oriented as well. He had visions and goals he wanted to achieve, they were nice and new, and it's what the government should be investing on..

Chad, well he was his usual self today. Smiling every so often, agreeing to what Jim had to say, and well being cute without really doing anything.. He was there, but not as present as Jim.. I didn't really expect so much.. but it was fine..

But what I enjoyed most today was all the laughing.. If there was anything that we did today that I would really remember, it was all the laughs.. We laughed about the shallowest things, I don't remember laughing that hard in months.. It was too fun.. It was lovely.. :)

___________________________________________________________________

on a different note...

hindi ko na maantay na dumating yung araw na tatawanan ko nalang lahat ng nasa nakaraan kagaya ng sinasabi ng mga mas nakatatanda.. hindi ko na maantay yung araw na pag nilingon ko lahat ng nangyari ay masasabi kong okay na nga talaga ako.. pero alam ko darating na rin ang araw na yon.. konting tiis pa.. konting tiis nalang.. :')

"Hey Kels, you okay?"

Busted. And I thought I was in good cover. I wanted to say "Naman!" like how I would normally respond to you but I just couldn't bring myself to do so, so I said "yep."... and I think it was believable, well at least to some people, so I didn't bother adding anything after that...

I sat there, too quiet, thinking whether or not to bring on the usual me.. but there was something about that seat, and the window, and the song... Then I realized, that was the first time I wasn't shotgun.. That was why it was so weird.. It was too awkward, there alone..

Or was it really that? Or was it because it was the first time since the last time that we've talked.. But when was the last time that we did? It was too long ago..

hey stranger, you okay?

Will it be as beautiful?

Will it be as beautiful?

Will it be as special?

Will it be as memorable as some say it is?

Will it be far?

Will it be soon?

Will it be under the bright moon?

Will it make me?

Will it break me?

Will it finally silence me?

Hauntings.

I was packing my things when my phone rang. It was a familiar number. I picked up.

Are you really calling?

yeah.

Why?

I just want to talk.

Is this that 20minute call?

yeah. cause 20minutes is all I have of your time.

*speechless for a moment* Not true.

Then why have you not been calling me?

I was packing my things when I looked at my idle phone. I decided to call a familiar number. He picked up.

Why haven't you called?

hmm.

It's like you don't have time anymore. You text me in the morning and you text me when you're about to fall asleep.

sorry. i've just been busy.

It's like you don't care anymore. You don't even text to ask how my day went.

you're like a soul that hasn't been given justice. you keep coming back to haunt me.

what would this summer's conversation be?

For the love of...

Shakespeare and Romeo and Juliet. ♥

I know Romeo and Juliet is such a cliche-d tragedy. People claim to love it so much, and in this blog I would too only because I know what Romeo and Juliet is about. In high school, we dissected what we could of the script and I found it so amusing that there were so much underlying statements in each act. I love how Shakespeare had me reading through the lines.

Romeo and Juliet's love story was truly one of a kind. A whirlwind romance it was indeed. Their love story broke my heart. I know it isn't realistic, but it's still nice to know that people died for reasons they believed was right. It was admirable that though Romeo had his shortcomings, don't we all?, he fought for the love of his life, with his life. And though Julieta was going against the will of her father, actually the whole family, I loved that she fought the same battle that Romeo did. I love how they really fought for their love.

But I hate that all they had were a few seconds, Romeo was even suffering, together, for the last time. Had Juliet not shock Romeo, he probably would have not died yet, but it wouldn't be Romeo and Juliet. Painfully heartbreaking.

I wish to find my Romeo someday, someone imperfect but would believe in our love and fight for it with me. One day I will be a Juliet to a man who has been praying for a love that's true too!

Where are you?

asan na kayong mga tinawag sa pangalan?

asan na kayong mga pinagkatiwalaan?

asan na kayong dati'y nandyan pa?

asan na kayo, bakit ngayo'y wala na?

I feel so alone in this dry and barren desert. I look around and see nothing and no one. I cry for help, but my cries just echo in the nothingness of the desert. I look around and search for anything that would bear life, but the bright blinding sun and I are the only living things that exist. I cry out to the skies, I cry out to each corner [if they even existed] of the desert, but my cries fall on deaf ears.

where are all of you? all of you that once fought this battle? all of you that once took up your cross? all of you that once lifted your banners? all of you that once slain the dragons?

where are you who once lead me? where are you who once defended me? where are you who once fought with me? where are all of you now?

I may not be the best warrior, I never was and I never will be... But I never stopped trying, never did and never will... I was never the most anointed one... never was i the most obedient one... nor was i the most honest one... but i did not let my shortcomings keep me from doing what I can, doing what I was called to do... I am not implying anything... I just want my co warriors back... I want the army back...

The Big Day ♥

Because prom has passed and my debut too, here's the last big event I get to plan... My big day, my wedding..

i have diagnosed myself with mild o.c.-ness.. i have this thing for planning ahead and re-writing it over and over again.. so yes, this is not the first one.. although this is the first time i'm putting it up on cyberspace intentionally for people to see..

this would be a more detailed one.. :D

I have always wanted to get married in an old church, A church like San Augustin or the Manila Cathedral for architecture and aesthetics sakes..there are 2 outdoor chapels that also caught my attention.. the Chapel on the Hill in Tagaytay and the St. Marc's Chapel in Los Banos.. but i want a Christian wedding, so I don't know how I'm gonna make that work..

My wedding video will definitely be done by Bob Nicolas or his team. I'm not so sure who to get as the pre and post wedding photographer yet, but i'm sure i'll stumble upon a good one soon.

Rapha and Anielle from Bob Nicolas on Vimeo.

My wedding gown would be my own design but I shall have it structured and couture-d by either Rajo Laurel or Monique Lhuillhier (A girl can dream). It would most probably be a sweetheart cut slightly mermaid with lace and a few beads.

something like this. but if they say that it's gonna emphasize my long torso and that it's gonna make my legs look shorter, i will go with this one.





The song that would be played while I walk down the isle:


My caterer would definitely be Kbycunanan. The set up would be by them too..

My motif would be "Mustard Yellow" or Light Yellow.. My wedding shoes would be yellow.. haha!

I'm not sure where my reception would be yet but it would definitely be something somewhat outdoor-ish. If not, I'm gonna have it at the Blue Leaf Pavillion. (Husband, I'm sorry... for being too demanding... I love you.)

The wedding ceremony itself would be really intimate. Only close friends and family would be invited. The other friends would be invited at the reception.
(to be continued.)

Emotional stir.

I don't what is it about today that makes me all emotional, really.

First of all, I won't say I'm not affected because the fact that I'm blogging about it is a very obvious fact that I am. I hate the fact that she's all cold and avoiding. Okay, I get it that she's upset over what happened, but if I were in her place I wouldn't have treated her any different. Well, if this friendship is that shallow fine by me. It's not my loss anyway, I know so.

Next...

I miss him.. not him him.. but this guy I've been in love with since I was round 8. I miss him and his smile and how his eyes are all teary. I miss his voice and his compassionate heart. I miss how we used to have everyday spent together. I miss you.

There are times that I wished I didn't move to Manila, maybe then all the struggles and hardships would have been prevented or avoided for that matter. Maybe things would have been less complicated had we not run away.

But at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. Had we not moved here, I wouldn't have met some of the loveliest people in my life.

Driving on Friendship Highway.

"Do you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight?".

Today was figuratively and literally one of the longest days of my life. Today, February 11, 2011, I Hazel Noe Edward and Thea went to the 16th Annual Hot Air Balloon Festival for the first time together. I and Thea slept over Hazel's the night before. We watched Tangled and realized it was already past one when it finished, when we planned to wake up at 2:30. We got ready for bed and tried to sleep, when we finally settled in, my phone started ringing, it was already 2:30. Turns out Noe and Edward were still in Antipolo, so we had extra time to cook and prepare the things we needed for the trip. They arrive at around quarter to four. We ate our breakfast, got a little distracted with all the stories we wanted to share which is why we left at around quarter to five already. We tried our best to reach Clark by sunrise, and because God was so nice to us, we were able to get there on time, a few minutes before the balloons took flight.

It was a really pretty scene, the sunrise plus the hot air balloons taking flight. I just stood there, choosing to be unaware of everything else, and just concentrated on the beauty of it all. After every balloon took flight, that was the only time I talked to the other four again.

Since it only took about 30 minutes of the day's time for the balloons to take flight, we had so much time to spare till the sunset flight. We decided to go to Subic to pass time. We did so much driving and eating and talking but we found that it was only 12 noon and there was still so much time to spare. We drove back to Pampanga and reached there at one, and like you guessed we still had about 4 hours to spare. We stayed in the car and talked about all the possible things we could talk about and played pusoy dos and to our relief found that it was already a few minutes till four o clock. When we decided to go in the field again, it started to rain. We left it up to the great and wise coin (we tossed coin) and followed its choice for us to leave the field already. While on the road, it rained so hard and we couldn't see so we pulled over at a nearby Shell Gas Station to wait for the rain to weaken. After a few serendipity encounters and a few songs that passed, we continued on the drive. I fell asleep after a few minutes of the drive and woke up to Hazel asking us if we could share for toll fee.

Every other detail not included is either unimportant or momentarily forgotten, but I will surely update this blog.

Today was a good day, great even! But i'm a bit zombiefied and should go to sleep now. so Tahtah for now!

A thousand miles by vanessa carlton by tman1220

the past, it haunts me.

Post traumatic stress.

Flashbacks.

Unbearable heart palpitations.

Breakdowns.

Pain in my throat.

I guess it's all coming back to haunt me.

It's a few months till the start and the end of everything.

Restaurant List!

This is to complete no. 74 of my to-do list :)

Starting January 2011. (Note: Not necessarily done by 2011)

A
B
C
D
E
F - Flaming Wings
G
H
I - Iluustrado
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z - Zarks

Sometimes the stars would refuse to shine..

Collide by Howie Day brings so much emotions and memories... It will always be one of those songs that will make my heart stop beating for a while.. It will always be one of those songs that will carry your memory..

maybe it's just a vulnerable time.. and a very trigger-some song.. but i suddenly remember that very moment with you.. on the fourth floor of an already closed shop at high street.. dancing to that song.. planning.. and promising..

i miss you this very moment.. i miss the man you were with me.. i hate admitting this but yes, i do miss you.. every inch of me at this very moment longs for you.. if i could just hold you now.. if only i could..

but at the end of the day.. reality kicks in and it bites..

at the end of the day I once again realize that it's long been over.. and that maybe it's the thought of us that I miss and not really you.. and that at the end of the day, i'm glad that we're not together.. cause had we stayed together, you wouldn't be as happy as you are now..

and neither would i..

and they say that things are better in the morning.. so i'll sleep this off.. and in the morning, i won't miss you like how i miss you now..

goodnight.

Collide (by Howie Day) by T2iMo

girly fantasies..

I will forever love this video :')

I wish my wedding would be as beautiful as theirs :')

it's a great day, for falling in love.. (click)

"Eight years ago i gave you my hand to hold, today I give you my life to keep..."

honestly very depressed.

i used to perform, with ease. i used to sing naturally. i lost it. i lost that talent. i guess i'm really not a performer, just a worshiper. i used to be really confident.

i can't get my notes right, i can't get my breathing right. maybe i should already give it up. haay.

it was the only thing i could do without any struggle. it was the only thing i was good at. i guess maybe i just thought i was.

to the lovely katy pery. please forgive me for not bringing justice to your song.

i wanna cry. :((

Hopeless Romantic.

The cold season is not doing me any good. My toes are freezing and my nose is sneezy. But the worst thing about the cold season having no one to cuddle up with.

♥I miss holding hands and the feeling of security while at it.
♥I miss having someone greet me "good morning" knowing that I'm the first person he thought of in the morning.
♥I miss having someone greet me "good night" knowing that I'm the last person he had on his mind that day.
♥I miss hearing sweet and random "i love you"s.
♥I miss having someone to cuddle with.
♥I miss having an only pair of lips I'd want to kiss.
♥I miss having someone to take care of.
♥I miss having someone to love.
♥I miss having someone to talk to and rant to at the end of the day.
♥I miss having someone.

Here I am Lord, consume me.

It's a couple of minutes till four and I'm actually still deciding whether I'm actually excited or nervous about this. The thing is, in less two hours I'll be preaching or exhorting, whatever you want to call it, to a young crowd. I'm going to be talking about doing things for God exactly where you are. I'm not an expert to the topic, I haven't always been doing the hard things that God has been wanting me to do, but I know that I have always wanted and that I have always tried.

This week was really something. It started out inspiring then challenging then now exciting. I guess that it was a taste of the feelings you'll have when doing the hard things for God. Inspiring. Challenging. Exciting.

God, I pray that you use me. I pray that people would see the You in me and not any of me. May Your presence fill that room. May Your love be the main reason as to why we do the things we do. Lord may Your name be the only name recognized and acknowledged and praised and glorified!

God consume me that the words that would come out of my mouth would be Your words. Consume me God that the words that would flow would be from Your wisdom and knowledge. Lord may they see that age is not a hindrance, that one's age should not keep him from doing great things!

Lord in my small way, Lord my You be exalted mightily!

"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?"

I cannot put into words the beauty of the feeling when worshiping the Father. I cannot fathom even a fraction of it. I would want to make a blog out of it, but as of now, I just can't find the right words. What I know is that this is what I want to be filled with, this is what I want to be fueled with.

My God, I cannot even comprehend the beauty of Your presence nor can I grasp the greatness of Your grace and love.

Lord, help me sort out the things I have to give up so that I would have the room to be filled by You and with You again.

To everyone else, I leave you with this song. May it inspire you the same way it inspired me.

Chris Tomlin-Our God by tRiK11

I love being young and youthful!

Yes, the title says it all. But no, I will still say it all. haha!

I love how I'm actually enjoying my youth. I love that I can go out with my friends and not worry about someone waiting for me to get home (except my mom of course). I love how I can spend my money on the things I like and the things i love doing. I love how I have all the time I can get, although I can never get enough of it. I love how I can have a crush on different guys and not feel so guilty only because there's no one owning my heart yet. I love how I can be a girl and a lady at the same time. I just love how I'm rediscovering myself and everything around me.

To everyone out there, I really encourage you to just enjoy and live by the moment. You're only young for a short period of time, live your life. ♥

Narcissism aside.

Here's the deal, I thought maybe it would be sort of a good idea to have an entry that's actually about me. Not for any vain and self-centered reason but for people to at least know a little more about me, besides how they know me and how they think I am. So feel free to read on, or not... It doesn't matter... :)

It's not exactly new information and a lot of you know that I kind-of grew up in Palawan. No I did not live by the beach, but I certainly went to the beach very often. I studied at Palawan Hope Christian School for kindergarten and elementary. I used to play Lawn Tennis, I still do, only during my grade school years, I was actively competing. I was able to join "Batang Pinoy" a naional meet and "MIMAROPA meet" a regional meet.

My Mom, my brother and I moved to Manila after I graduated from grade school. I studied high school in St. Scholastica's College, Manila and graduated high school there. I am currently in my 2nd Year in De La Salle University taking up AB- Development Studies as my pre-law course. I will [hopefully] graduate by June 2012 and will take up Law after that. I knooow, I still have a lot of studying to do. Dear Lord, be graceful!

Okay, other than that boring stuff about me... I still have some things about me that I wanna share. :)

I am not all girly. I don't like pink and I don't like Barbie, well not anymore. I am not a fan of Hello Kitty and other girly icons that are usually associated with girls.

I like big bikes, no like is an understatement. I LOVE LOVE LOVE BIG BIKES! I am a big fan of Ducatis and Harley Davidsons, I swear! I can ride those things any time! When they roar, it's like music to my ears and it cause me nothing but excitement and thrill. I am also the type of girl who'd choose a pick up truck over a car ANYTIME. I am really into pick-ups especially white or black ones. I am loving the new Navarra. I also love the classic Dodge Ram. I am totally for a Range Rover, Oh drool! And I like the built of Fortuners and Monteros! So yes, big cars for me! But don't get me wrong I like small cars too. The Cruze and the Mazda 3 are for me.I also like classic cars and muscle cars. The classic mustang and the classic cougar are also drool triggers for me!

I am also a lover of dogs! I like Shitzu's for their cuteness, but that's the only breed of small dogs that I like. I am more of the Doberman, German Shepherd, Rottweiller kind of Dog Lover. I like Dalmatians and Retrievers too! Oh my gosh, I miss having dogs. :) You'd sometimes spot me petting K9 dogs at the malls or by Shang Makati. Haha!

Another thing that I like about me being low maintenance and not too girly is my intense desire to experience extreme sports. Para-sailing, Wakeboarding, sky diving, bungee jumping, you name it! I'm game!

So yeah. This is another side of me. I hope you'd still find me normal after this. Haha!

little stars on a green clay mug..

my heart was shattered in the same way the mug was when i saw it broken and glued back together. it wasn't the same, it was broken and the glue marks were so obvious. till now i don't know how to react to the unfortunate accident. i don't know if i should treat it as a sign, or should i be sad because it's the only remnant of him in this house. i really don't know. should i be glad cause another reminder of him is now almost gone? maybe. in some way i am relieved that it's not the mug i have to use for morning coffees anymore, but in a way my heart breaks cause even if i hate him, the mug means a lot to me. oh, waves of emotions.

broken. leave it that way, she says.